‘Who is Mark?

Friday, May 9, 2014

I have gone back and forth about whether I want to share who Mark is. I fully realize the interest that some may have in Mark; who he is, or perhaps more to the point; who he was to me. I go out of my way not to share too much or discuss him at length because he holds a special place within me. His place in my life however, is relevant. That in mind, I chose to run the idea of discussing our relationship here by him first. After some deliberation, he gave me his blessing to write about him and explain at last, how he fits into my life.

I was 19 years old when I first met Mark. It was a Sunday morning at the base of Echo Canyon in Camelback Mountain. I had pulled into a parking place. An incredibly sexy guy, dripping in sweat, having obviously just finished a hike, was jogging up to the Land Rover parked next to me. He was 6’4, 255, brown hair, hazel/green eyes and tanned skin. My Doberman, Bud, (always the protector…) jumped out of my Jeep, got between us and showed his teeth. I told Bud to relax and apologized profusely to the man. He said that it was no problem. We locked eyes for a few seconds too long before Bud and I took off up to the canyon. – I was immediately smitten.

A few weeks later, I was pulling into the Biltmore and the same man was getting out of the car in front of me at the Valet. Instead of being shirtless and sweaty, he was instead in a linen suit with an egg shell crew, sockless loafers and a pair of dark aviators. We locked eyes once again and the recognition was instantaneous. He approached me as I got out of my car and we finally made introductions. As we headed into the Biltmore together, I learned that Mark was 36, he was a transplant from Ohio, that he owned an advertising company and was single. Before we parted ways, he asked me to dinner. I agreed and there began our journey. 

The relationship progressed quickly and before I knew it, I was staying at his house 90% of the time. My mom and Mark hit it off immediately and she more than approved. Since it was my first adult relationship and he was indeed older than me, I looked to him for almost everything. He introduced me to a lifestyle that was unlike anything that I had ever before experienced. While my mom had provided me with a pretty amazing life, Mark was in an entirely different league. He was in that 1% financial bracket and though that made me incredibly insecure, I was mesmerized by it.

In time, we began to travel a great deal together. He insisted that I have the very best of everything; the best clothing, cars etc. I even had that infamous black Amex card. All the while, I had convinced myself that he wanted me to be more exciting, cultured and ambitious. Those thoughts and insecurities compelled me to lie to him about many things. My hope was that I would somehow remain interesting to him. Clearly I was very uncomfortable with who I really was, and that – was a problem. I knew eventually that it would all blow up in my face and yet I continued to lie.

A year into our relationship, Mark ended up speaking to my mom in confidence about some of the things I had said which were not adding up. All of my lies were brought to the table and Mark was expectedly furious. He was very hurt. He couldn’t understand why I would lie to him about anything or why I thought that he wouldn’t love me as I was. I did not know how to put it into words. I packed a bag and returned to my mom’s house. I think I ended up sleeping for a week, reeling in the reality and anxiety of everything I had done.

Seventeen days passed before Mark called me wanting to talk. That evening, I let everything go. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and came clean with everything. I really had nothing to lose at that point. He asked me to promise him that I would work on my self esteem and that I should remind myself that he loves me just as I am.

From that point on, our life was really wonderful. We had settled into a typical domestic situation and it really suited me. When the car accident happened a couple of years later, that was the beginning to our end.

Mark did his best to continue to support me. The getaway to Hawaii was the last thing we did together and, as I explained in the previous “guilty” entry, I was indicted by the Grand Jury during that trip. When it became clear that I was in fact headed to prison, I made peace with the fact that our relationship was over, Mark begrudgingly came to the same conclusion after seeing that I was adamant in the decision. After that point, we never wrote, spoke on the phone or saw each other.

In October of 2011, I received a letter from Mark. I held it in my hand for about 3 minutes before opening it. Not long after that, we began corresponding regularly and speaking on the phone. He began to visit in 2012 and thus far, we have rebuilt a friendship.

There is no expectation that we will reunite as partners. Mark has realized that he has had to get to know me all over again. Today, I am a very different person who wants and needs different things. We both recognize that now.