‘Feeling Good About Having Nothing’

Monday, May 5, 2014 

At the age of 37, I will be quite literally starting over. The majority of people who I speak to in here are terrified of that but oddly, I am actually looking forward to it. For me, it will be freeing and since nothing is written in stone yet, my future is completely up to me.

Through the years, my belongings have all been donated or have disappeared to various places, Some were even poached by people who wanted a piece of me. What furniture I have left will be discarded before the house is sold. The other night, I did a mental inventory of everything of mine that is currently in the house. The goal was to compile a list of things to tell mom that I would like her to take to Boston for me. After a good 20 minutes or so, I realized that the piece of paper was still blank. It occurred to me that I want nothing.

I never had the bond that develops between home and homeowner and psychologically, I said my goodbyes to that address 12 years ago. Not that it’s a bad thing, but the house, Scottsdale and everything that it represents, does not exactly leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Mind you, all of the negatives that took place while living here were brought upon by my own actions, but it is still, how I feel.

Though premature, I have decided that I want mom to pick me up by herself when I am released. I have no desire for a lot of people to share that moment or a spectacle to be made. I want simple, one on one time with mom and the ability to slowly absorb everything. We will almost immediately be boarding a flight headed to Boston. I can see the actual take off as being both emotional and cathartic. It will symbolize the closing of a chapter in my life. It seems like an impossible task at the moment but it will happen. When it does, I will be just fine having nothing at all.

My personal goal is to not be resentful, sad or scared about what my future holds. I just want to be able to continue on in my life being the best person that I can be. Take the immense lessons that I have learned away with me and I believe that, in the end, I will be okay.