‘How often do we do, or say something wrong and never even realize it?’

Thursday, February 5, 2015

By now, most of you are aware that I have had a hell of an adventure when it come to pen pals and getting to know someone through “snail mail”. I have had so many ‘come and go’ pen pals over the years that I could literally write an entire novel about the experience. One thing however, that remains constant with all of these writer’s diversity is that they slowly fade, then disappear back into their own respective lives. 

I have discussed this many times with Joey over the years. It is so easy to think that there must surely be something ‘wrong’ with these pen pals, when in fact, there may indeed be something wrong with me! 

A pattern of repeated behavior used to be easily identifiable, but over time, I have changed. In the beginning, I was obviously attempting to fill a void of intimacy and emotion. Acknowledging that fact was difficult, because it made me feel weak and desperate. Once I pulled in the reigns and began to get a grip, I began to focus my correspondence in developing friendships. While it would start there, invariable, things would escalate to a deeper level and I would – fall for it. My guess is that on the other end, the reality of being involved with someone in prison would set in and ‘POOF’, they would disappear. 

I wound up pulling away from corresponding with pen pals because nothing positive was resulting and more often than not, I would feel like crap in the aftermath. When I finally decided that it was time to reconnect with people, I chose to look at it in a new way. I genuinely wanted to make some new friends, to keep things on a strictly platonic level and to engage in some meaningful, ephemeral dialogues. My hopes were dashed. Those efforts, failed as well.

The entire situation is so disheartening. I admit that people these days are busy with life, work, responsibilities etc.. I understand that completely. Still, the correspondence has a tendency to fail once a true connection has been made (i.e. after months of correspondence) and so, I cannot help but to wonder if it is me – rather than them?

Have you ever tried to scrutinize your own behavior?

It is very difficult because you do not want to be too easy or too hard on yourself. That in mind, I have no idea if it was me or not who caused the breakdown of these pen pal engagements. In the absence of knowing, I am left with no other alternative that to assume that, it must be me.

Change for most, is hard. Change when you don’t know what you need to change… well, that is almost impossible. I am open to ideas, thoughts and criticisms. If you, the reader, have anything to say, them please feel free to comment here – or drop me a line.

‘Questions Answered’

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Q. What is my favorite snack outside of prison and my favorite snack inside of prison?

A. Consider me a food snob in a way, but my go-to favorite snack outside of prison has always been a good French baguette with sliced cheeses. My preferred cheeses are Gruyere, Maytag blue cheese, smoked cheddar, Gorgonzola, Roquefort, and Camembert. Inside prison, I simply eat raw tuna out of the pack with cashews.

Q. What does my job actually entail and how much do you make?

A. I am the head of the Human Resources division. (WIPP) I have an incredible amount of responsibility and am the only one capable and trusted to do what I do. The job is uncommon and so, I think it has caused me to become one of the most high profile inmates in prison. My responsibilities are as follows:

• Payroll
• Shift Scheduling
• Interviews and summary reports
• Closing out payroll in the database
• Balancing budgets and keeping fiscal payroll under budget
• I work five 10 hour shifts Monday through Friday and make $.45 cents an hour

Q. How often do I get visits, Where do my visits come from and how are they arranged?

A. Normally I get visits from my family every other weekend depending on their schedules. I have friends in Colorado Springs, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco and of course, Boston who also visit when their time and money will allow.

The visits are on both Saturday and Sunday from 8:00 AM – 4:00 PM and last the entire day. Overall, the environment is relaxed once you get past the barbed wire fences and steel sliding doors. There is food and drink available in vending machines and an outside area where people can walk around and smoke. I am able to hug, kiss and have physical contact with my visitors so there is no barrier of glass or anything like that.

Q. Throughout my incarceration, what is the most shocking thing I have witnessed or has happened to me?

A. There are a few things that were severe in nature that I do not speak of often, actually ever for that matter. I have never felt as though people needed to hear about these things, but I will share them for you now.

 - During my first 6 months of incarceration, 2 men attempted to rape me. They were unsuccessful and that event caused me to become a fighter. I fought hard enough that my reputation began to develop quickly.

 - Hearing a harmless elderly man being beaten to death in the cell next to me, simply because the cellmate that he was with, did not want him as a cellmate.

 - Watching a Muslim man stabbed over 100 times in the chest, head and torso simply because he was sleeping with another man in prison. He was dragged down the hall, laid in his bed, covered with a blanket and died.

 - Coming to the realization that I was no longer affected by acts of violence, I am numb and unaffected by it now.

Q. Is there anyone special out of your pen pals that you could see something serious with?

A. This is a two part question really. I could see myself with a few of the men that I have corresponded with and even someone whom I communicate with presently. The question should be: ‘Do I want something serious with anyone that I am corresponding with as a pen pal?’ The answer to that, would be ‘No’. I have no desire to become involved with anyone that I cannot physically meet and truly get to know, face-to-face in real life situations. In turn, there would be a great many questions that I would need answered as to why they, as a free person, would entertain a serious relationship with me being in prison. Thus far, that question has only been answered authentically by one man. (He shall remain anonymous)

Q. Do I have any favorite TV shows?

A. Yes. I love ‘Fargo’ on Fox. It was an unbelievable finish! ‘Tyrant’, also on Fox, is my new favorite and of course, I can’t wait for ‘The Good Wife’ to come back.

Q. What do I want my first vacation to be after I am released?

A. A snowboarding trip to Vermont or New Hampshire

Q. Is sex between inmates as rampant as it is rumored to be? (If so, why?)

A. I don’t know if I can accurately answer this question without a clear definition of sex. (Apparently it differs from person to person…) I will say that there is a lot of mutual masturbation, touching, wrestling, body contact, ball grabbing, bare ass smacking etc.. It is definitely more than a regular person would ever expect.

Personally, I think the answer is simple. Physical contact between people is fundamentally important. Men in prison are starving for it and with that, a good “bromance” can easily escalate to something more.

Q. Who is responsible for my blog?

A. My blog master is Joey. Calling him my "best friend" is an injustice however. We have both accepted that there really is no title or term for the bond that we have. Our relationship is uncompromising because we keep one another on track and continuously challenge one another to be better. Somehow, he finds the time to take care of this blog on my behalf.

Q. You were raised with both Judaism and Catholicism faiths. If you were to have a child, would you choose one religion over the other to raise and instill your child with? What would be your reasoning and what would your children’s names be?

A. Wow! I have never been asked this question or given it much serious thought at all really. I believe I have mentioned that becoming a parent has never been a priority for me. I do however, believe I would make a good parent. As far as religion goes, I would probably choose Judaism. Growing up, I personally felt more at home in a Temple, more accepted and less judged by people within that faith.

Names? I would say Oliver for a boy, Addison for a girl.

‘Correspondence Adventures’

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

People have been focused on some of my thoughts/views of the various pen pals that I have had. For most of you, I can see how some of the things that I have said have come across as general blanket statements. In the end however, it was me who needed looking into. I am going to clarify some of what I believed has jaded my overall interpretation of the pen pals I once had. I have also made the decision to officially open the door to any and all correspondence from those of you who do follow this blog. In doing this, you will be able to send your comments, questions and concerns directly to me.

My ‘Pen Pal’ entry was written during a time that I was in a pretty lonely place. I had convinced myself that I needed someone special in my life that I could potentially develop a relationship with. In truth, it was a disaster in the making. Subconsciously, I had developed ridiculous expectations and I had doomed myself from the start.

On a parallel track, the guys that I was corresponding with were also in search of something and so, I filled a void in their lives as well. Looking back now, none of it was meant to be truly serious, let alone develop into something of true substance. In the end, I was at fault for perpetuating the roller coaster of emotions that I would experience.

Today, I have a much healthier outlook. More importantly, I have gained a self confidence that I never really had – or believed could exist. I realized that the people I need, are already in my life. My interactions have changed and my thought process has grown in such a way that I prioritize the people I love most before anyone or anything else. I do it without provocation and I am proud of that.

At present, I have a couple of wonderful pen pals. I no longer have expectations or an agenda. I am simply enjoying the fact that I can meet new people in a unique way. If I make a few friends along the way, then this particular form of communication is well worth the effort.

I know there will always be a cloud of suspicion over my head simply because I am in prison. As I take into consideration social media, email and texting, I know that the idea of corresponding with someone via “snail mail” is not all that attractive. I get that. 

For those of you who may be inclined to drop me a note however, there is still a link to my profile on writeaprisoner.com. If you have a comment or question (and I welcome them all!) here is my direct mailing address:

David McKinney

ADC# 169947 - 6B5

A.S.P.C. Yuma, Cheyenne

PO Box 8939

San Luis, Arizona 85349

Now that I have shared my mailing address, I will also resume the “Advice From Behind the Walls’ segment of the blog again. Please keep in mind that I am not a trained professional and my answers or advice is strictly from my personal experience and point of view.

'Men, Pen Pals and Relationships'

Monday, January 20, 2014

A lot of people wonder about these particular topics when it comes to me and I have always had difficulty being clear about them. I think it’s time that I share my thoughts and beliefs once and for all. So as not to confuse my readers, I am going to break them down into specific segments.

It is no secret that I am a gay man. In fact, I’d say I am very secure and confident with my sexual orientation. So much so, in fact, that I tend to not give it much thought and feel as if it doesn’t really add to how I identify with myself.  I am attracted to men though and beyond just the physical, I am drawn to strong, confident; masculine and driven men. He should be thought provoking, challenging but also, understanding and compassionate. He should also have a great sense of humor and the ability to laugh at himself.

Over the years, I had many pen pals from all different walks of life. There have been so many men I have lost count and only (1) that stuck with me from the beginning.  (He has not been in the ‘pen pal’ category for years now...) They come in and out of my life much like tissue paper. Though they are all intrinsically different, many of them share a common thread: loneliness. Through their own words, I learn that there is clearly something missing in their lives and those who do share their loneliness - somehow feel I will fix or fill that emptiness. It can sometimes turn out to be a rollercoaster of emotion. In a few cases, they end up developing feelings for me and wanting something more serious. I say ‘okay’ and in about 6 months, they fall off. At this point, it has happened so many times that I can count on it and can almost perfectly predict when things will end.

I still write and communicate but I have become jaded and now, I have no ending expectations. It’s okay. I have accepted it and I am really better off looking at things that way. Who knows? Maybe I am helping these guys move on in some way?

 

I have only been in one long term relationship. It was with a good guy that I loved very much. The problem was that I didn’t love myself at that time and was living my life for all the wrong reasons. We both made mistakes. I will love him forever because if not for the experiences I had with him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

My present outlook on relationships is good but I am leery at the same time. I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed relationship but there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment. Men are visual and primal. As much as I hate to say this, we should do our best to maintain ourselves physically. Sexual appetites should be discussed and established as should any particular interests. My mom used to tell me; “what one person won’t do, another will.” I think it’s true. If you are unwilling to do something for your partner, the odds are high that in time, he will find someone who will.

I think that couples need to learn how to argue with each other about (1) topic at a time. I think they should resist pushing one another’s buttons and do their best not to go to bed mad at one another.

I have an old soul so I am a big believer in marriage and commitment to one person. I love the thought of sharing my life with someone and knowing that they will be there for me, as I will be there for them. I used to believe that I needed a relationship to feel ‘complete’ or successful in life. That has changed now. All I had to do was learn who I was. I learned that there is a big difference between needing and wanting something.

Funny that I learned that in prison.

Introducing my mom to my pen pals; a huge topic of conversation...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Over the years, I have had many interesting pen pals and a couple of borderline serious relationships. Each of them has been a learning experience and an adventure in their own way. I have however; been very conscientious about keeping my pen pals separate from my friends and family… especially my mom. There is only one exception to this that has had a positive outcome. Joe, who readers of this blog know, is not only my nearest and dearest friend; he was also my very 1^st pen pal in 2007. Since he was the 1^st, I took to confiding in my mom about him. When it came time for Joe and I to finally meet, well, mom wanted to meet him as well. They really hit it off, and since then, have developed quite an extraordinary friendship of their own. A lot of this has to do with the fact that they can have relatable conversation. Whatever the case may be, it works.

In 2008, I became seriously involved with a pen pal. He was a model living in Chicago and we really hit it off… at least on paper and phone.  I genuinely believed that he could be the “one for me”, because he seemed to be perfect in every way. When it came time for him to fly out and visit for a weekend, again, mom wanted to meet him. This amazing and perfect man, turned out to be a total basket case. He all but proposed to me at visitation. He spoke about relocating to Arizona until I was released. Later, he broke down sobbing and losing it in front of my mom. Whoa.
Needless to say, things did not work out all that well.

Since that experience, I have not made much mention of my pen pals, nor have I even begun to entertain the thought of them meeting my mother.  The time has come again for me to decide on this though and I think I am going to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

A man whom I have been writing to, James, has already met Joe and the idea of him now meeting my mother has come up. I decided that I would like for them to meet. Since Joe has already met him and likes him a lot, I am certain that it will be fine. There are also no romantic possibilities lingering between James and I. He is already in a relationship, and I am not his ‘type’, so I think we are safe. Over and above all that though, I genuinely like him very much and he is a good friend.

In addition to James, is my friend Parishot, a really great guy who currently lives in New Delhi. He is going to try and come out to visit in April and I am leaning towards getting him and my mom together. Both of them are world travelled and work in the medical field so I believe they would have a lot of things to talk about. I still have time to decide on this, but my mind is asking; “why not?”

Another long day

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I am pretty tired  and yet I am still awake at 5:00 AM. People are stirring in their beds and likely debating on whether or not they want to be first in line for breakfast. It’s pancake day so the majority of the yard will go. It is the one breakfast that is actually okay and recognizable to the eye.

Yesterday was exhausting. It seemed as though every inmate needed  or wanted something so our office continued to have a revolving door for the better part of the day. I suppose it made the day go by faster, but it was draining. Upon my return to the dorm, I found a letter from one of my new pen pals, Dre and that was great. I got another quick workout in and then was asked to cut a friend of mine, Buck’s hair.

Technically I am not supposed to cut his hair because he is white. The ‘Head’ of the whites however, is also a friend of mine, and views me as exempt. Imagine that! So, as I was giving Buck a fade, a couple of other white guys asked me for haircuts as well.  I asked them to get permission and they did. Before I realized it, I had four people waiting to get their hair cut and I am not the barber! I do however know how to cut hair well, even though it is not my favorite thing to do.

By the time I was beginning my 3^rd haircut, John could see that I was going to be awhile so he began cooking dinner; roast beef sandwiches.  I finished cutting hair by 7:00 PM, showered and settled in for ‘The Bachelor’. I know its terrible, but everyone watches it. That was followed up ‘The Following’ and ‘Deception’.

I began writing Dre back around 10:00 PM and went to bed around 1:00 AM. So yeah, I am tired.

I do not have to be at work today until noon, but a friend of mine arrived here yesterday from another yard and I need to catch up with him. I will fill him in on everything that is going on and make sure that he has everything he needs. I also need to pick up some things at the inmate store, swing by property and call home to check in.

John is still asleep in his bed just to the right of me. He has been very active in his sleep lately and even lacerated his forehead the other night because he hit his head on the edge of his desk. It didn’t even wake him up. I have been keeping an eye on him.

The days really go by so much easier when you have things to look forward to.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

This month will be really great for me. On top of the fact that my football team will be in the Superbowl today, I have a lot of things to look forward to.

My best friend in the world, Joe, will be here from Boston on the 23^rd and 24^th. Our friend Aiden, will be here on the 26^th but he will only be visiting with my mom. Still, I am oddly happy about that. We have food visit on Sunday the 10^th so Mom, and the rest of the ‘Fam Bam’ will be here with al of my favorite foods to feed me. That is always a good time.

There are also a couple of really interesting guys who have reached out to me whom I have responded to. I am waiting to hear back from them. The most intriguing is a guy named Rich who is originally from Boston but currently living in Las Vegas.

Yes, this should be a really wonderful month!

FOOD VISIT!!!!!!