These are the things I love most; "I realized just how much I miss the touch, the smell and feel of another man."

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I was hanging out behind work yesterday when one of the work crews came back to the yard. As a protocol, everyone has to be stripped out completely before stepping on the yard itself. A friend of mine, Bam, was there and struck up a conversation with me. As I stood there talking to him, I realized that I was caught up in the view of these guys undressing. Most of my attention was on Bam and friend or not, I couldn’t help but to be mesmerized by his body.

The V of his torso, down to a small, defined waist only to be capped off by an amazing butt that sat high on his muscular thighs and hamstrings.  A perfectly proportioned penis in flaccid state rested atop neatly shaped balls that were well groomed and taken care of. His calves gave the appearance of having baseballs lodged within them and my own dick began to pulse. I had to divert my attention because if I began to get hard, there would be no hiding it. Bam looked at me quizzically and asked what was wrong. I wanted to say ‘nothing, that everything was very right’, but instead, I just shook my head.

We finished our conversation as he dressed again. He hugged me, kissed me on the head and then left. (This is normal affection here between friends) As I walked back to the office, I realized just how much I miss the touch, the smell and feel of another man. I bury those feeling as best as I can. But then all of a sudden, without warning, something like this happens.

I sat at my desk at work in a daze. I can’t really remember the last time I truly made love to another person. It must be sometime in the end of 2001 with my ex-lover Mark. Holy shit! That is 12 years ago… Talk about depressing!

Last night I was still reeling with sexual tension and so, I went outside and ran. I ran, and ran and ran some more. When I finished running, I did 300 single leg sprints and pull ups until I was so worn out that all I could do was shower and crawl into bed. I was asleep by 9:00 PM.

Today is a new day. I do not have to be at work until noon so this morning I will go over to property and see if anything is here for me. I will call the house and check in with mom, and then get a work out in before reporting to work. I will try my best to have a productive day.

Photography: Bruce Weber



Another weekend: "Why can I not decide what I want to do with my life?"

Monday, December 17, 2012

As a whole. The weekend was ok. There was a stabbing in dorm 5 and a shank (makeshift knife) was found in the C-run of my dorm, but besides that, I had a quiet and calm weekend.

I spent my time working out, reading a book about Land Rovers (a guilty pleasure) and watching TV with my bro John. Today marks our last day of work before we go on Christmas break so I know things will be busy and chaotic. Come Wednesday I will be looking very forward to another break so you will hear no complaints from me.

Right now, it is 5:00 AM. It’s dark and everyone is still asleep, which I love. John got up and went out for a run. I almost went along, but had some other stuff to do before we head into work. The fact that it is 28 degrees outside was not much of a motivator either. No, I think I would rather sit here writing and have a cup of coffee.

Why can I not decide what I want to do with my life?

Like always, I had a really good conversation with Joe over the weekend. He has been trying to get me to really think about my future and start making some decisions. There are so many variables though, and while I know the direction I want to go in, I keep hitting brick walls in a way. I’m expecting that he will come out to visit after the New Year so I can have some much needed one-on-one time with him.

Right now, if I had to tell you what I wanted to do within the first 5 years of my release, I’d say the following:

·       Immediately move to Boston and find a place to live on a temporary basis

·       Find employment

·       Buy a loft or apartment. (I want to own something)

·       Get a dog or two

So, I have complete faith that I can accomplish these things because I have crazy drive and ambition. There is no other way except up from here and I am very good with challenging situations. The area that I get completely stuck at, time and time again is employment. I mean, really, what the hell am I going to do for money? Obviously I can live hand-to-mouth, but I do not want to do that for the rest of my life. I have a really wide range of career interests and yet, still cannot decide on one particular thing. When it comes to quick employment, to just get some money coming in, I have an easier time with that;

1.       I have a Masters Degree in Fitness Training so I can get into a gym and do personal, or even private training. This does have the potential to grow into an actual career, but I do not know.

2.       I am an excellent bartender, but it’s difficult to get your foot in the door. Once in though, the money is very good.

3.       I could easily renew my Massage Therapy certification and make some cash doing that. It would not be long term, but it would be something.

As far as long term career goals, I am at a loss. My main interests are as follows:

1.       Abnormal Behavior Psycho Therapy

2.       Home renovation and house flipping

3.       Personal Fitness and Competitive Sports

 Last night, I asked John what he could truly see me doing and he said that he saw me as a trainer of some sorts. He saw me owning my own Personal Training Company. Hmmm. Obviously this got me thinking because it is quite possible. On the plus side, I don’t believe my felony would actually prevent that from happening.

I need to think about this. Joe is right; I need a plan.

John has returned and has 10 minutes to shower and shave before we go to work. I have to make his coffee. Sometimes I feel as though I am already in a relationship…only my partner is a straight Polish guy from South Beach, Miami!

Friends, Family & Relatives; the new normal

Friday, November 23, 2012

I was watching an episode of ‘The New Normal’ on TV the other night and there was a line that really resonated with me:

“You can choose the people you consider your family. You cannot choose your relatives.”

I must have thought about that for hours. For me, it is true. The people in my life that I love most, like Jan, Deb W., Deb T., Helen, Bill and Joe; they are not just my friends, they are my family. When put in comparison, they are there more than any of my relatives. They do more, know more, love more and judge less… The list goes on and on.

Any way, it was all very curious to me. Food for thought I guess.

Pen Pal update; "Writing letters to someone in prison falls pretty low on the priority list."

Friday, November 23, 2012

Things on the Pen Pal front have shifted dramatically. Almost everyone has fallen off the list, which is fine. I have actually gotten very accustomed to that over the years. There is no one to blame, or to fault. It happens and people have their own lives with so much going on, that writing letters to someone in prison falls pretty low on the priority list.

As things sit now, here are the Pen Pals;

James, who is a really great guy living in Phoenix has actually become a very good friend. Everything so far about him says that he is a sweet person with a great personality. I really enjoy corresponding with him.

John is a man in Arlington, MA that I have exchanged a few letters with. So far, he is very cool, with quite an interesting life. I am enjoying our letters as well.

On top of them, I have one person, Marquise, who I have gotten to know really well and I like very much. He is young, 21 in fact, but wise, driven and ambitious. Our letters are great and I love our phone calls as well. He is doing really well for himself. Though we met through Writeaprisoner I do not consider him in the Pen Pal category.

Last, there is Cliff who I have previously discussed, By far, he is my #1, as far as people whom I correspond with. Our friendship is great and our conversations on the phone are even better. Since we have been writing one another for years now, he is no longer in the Pen Pal category.

Time to get my mental shit together...

Friday, November 23, 2012

What now?

I guess it’s back to business as usual. This morning I will write some letters and do some laundry. I will work out in the afternoon and then make some phone calls. I feel good though and the fact that I have 3 days off, is so nice. I have to take advantage of them though. There is a lot on my mind and it’s the perfect time to put everything in check. My mental list of thoughts is as follows:

1. The Boston Transfer. I have not really gone into this much, but I have put in for a request to transfer to a facility in Massachusetts over 2 years ago and have been patiently waiting. We have been given the run around a couple of times now, but what it all boils down to is; I have to wait for an inmate in Massachusetts DOC to request a transfer to Arizona. If that happens, I can go – providing I pay out $6,000. in fees.  We will do that, but every day, I lose more and more hope. I really would love to be able to put Arizona behind me despite the fear of having to essentially ‘start over’ in a whole new prison system.

2. Job Change. My job is great. I mean yeah, I work crazy long hours and have to deal with a lot of drama, but it does give me that feeling as though I am a regular person outside of these walls, who has a purpose and that is needed at their job.

Right before we went on this vacation though, my boss informed me that he made his promotion and is on a list to be assigned to a different prison unit. If that happens, then I will have to look for another position. I am not too keen on the person who would likely take his place.
My options would be to:

·       Not work and instead, really focus on the blog, my workouts, letters etc.

·       Work for Swift Trucking company as some sort of office clerk

·       Apply to work for the Deputy Warden in administration

·       Speak to our Deputy Warden and ask where she would like me to work

Most likely, my boss will not leave until January, so I have some time make a decision.

3. Mom. I have been really trying to pay attention to developing a better understanding of who my mother is now. While doing that, I have also been weighing in on things that she may need from me upon my release vs what I know she will want. There is a huge difference between the two so it has to be well thought out.

For example:

·       Mom’s plan in her head; She would relocate from Arizona to Boston, or possibly, to South Beach, Miami. I promptly move in with her and begin living my life. Mom and I have a truly unique relationship and I love her dearly, but I do not want to be that 37 year old man living at home with his mother and looking at a dead end. The thing is that I know she wants to be near me wherever I am. When I sit and tell her my plan though, there are times that I don’t think she hears me. I know that I will be there for her, but finding a balance, or a situation that would work, is challenging.

·       My plan in my head: I am released and move into Joe’s house. Mom would live nearby. At Joe’s, I would feel less parental pressure and would feel some semblance of true independence. I could essentially hit the ground running, but still have the support and advice of a good friend at the same time. There would not be that maternal factor in that equation. I would still be able to see my mom all the time and be there for her just the same.

I don’t know, somewhere between these two plans, we will have to meet in the middle.
As you can see, I definitely have some things to think about.

Thanksgiving night; "I am thankful that I have made it through another year in here."

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving Night

Our meal was completely forgettable. It consisted of: A large slice of mechanically separated and processed turkey that was a faint, iridescent shade of green, wheat bread stuffing formed into a hockey puck shape placed in a watery mound of fake mashed potatoes, severely overcooked carrots with absolutely no nutritional value remaining, a dinner roll that could serve as a weapon and a piece of pumpkin pie that was actually edible and pretty good. All that in mind, John and I made some tamales and cake back at the dorm. We are not big soda drinkers but we had rootbeer and watched football all day.

The day has been kick back; no assaults, no problems and for that, I am incredibly thankful. I did call mom and Kevin to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, but that was all.

If someone were to ask me what I am thankful for, I would say first, and foremost; my friends and family, my health and my sanity, and lastly, I am thankful that I have made it through another year in here.

My sanity is at the breaking point; "I can only handle so much."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Sometimes I just want to be left alone.

I always know when I reach my mental limit because I turn into a total bitch. Today is one of those days. I remind myself that I am by nature, a go getter. I get this from my mom. If there is something that needs to be done, then I do it. I take care of business. I am also a person who likes to make lists. I make them all the time, mostly because I get to check things off and get a sense of accomplishment. Others around me see that and they have dubbed me the “fixer”. Problem is, I can only handle so much and at time. It becomes exhausting and I want to tell the guys who constantly come to me, to deal with their own shit. Unfortunately, I can’t always do that. It would create ‘haters’ and that’s one thing that  I do not need. I already have enough of them.

We all have problems and I certainly have my own to deal with. Sometimes though, I feel as if no one cares about me, but rather – it’s all about them.

Have you ever spoken to someone and know that they are absolutely not interested in you at all? When they speak to you though, well, they demand your undivided attention, start to finish. That is an everyday occurrence in here, unless I am talking with John. This simply means that 99% of associates and acquaintances here are 100% superficial. So at times like today, I just want to be left alone. Ironically, it is at times like this, that these ridiculous guys need something from me the most. Listening and trying to remain focused on them, quite frankly, hurts my mind. Ugh.

As a way of relaxing, I wrote a few letters. I called and spoke to Cliff for awhile. Instead of getting into things here, I just let him tell me about his thanksgiving plans and it calmed me down a great deal. He also mentioned coming out for a visit for a weekend. I would really love that. We have never actually met face to face. I would love to wrap my arms around him and just spend some time with him. We will see what happens.

I also spoke with Mom and Kevin. Again, I simply let them talk and that brought my tension down even more so. I will see them both on Sunday, which is good.

How stupid can people really be?; a white guy came up positive with something in his rectum

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

When you know that you are caught with your hand in the cookie jar, why continue to deny it?

Due to the inmate assault in Dorm 1 the other night, all staff began a major search of that dorm. When this happens, the rest of the inmate population knows that it is time to start hiding things and putting things away.  Well, at least that’s what everyone does if they have something to hide. When it came time for everyone in able run to sit in the bodyscan chair, a white guy came up positive with something in his rectum. He was immediately taken to what we call a ‘dry cell’.  Basically it’s a 6’x6’ cell with a toilet that has a catching mechanism in it. The inmate must have at least 3 bowel movements before being released. I’d say 100% of the people placed in dry cells are guilty and it’s a good way for the DOC to successfully collect evidence they need to charge the particular inmate.

As the search continued on, and came to Dog Run, a black guy I know, was doing something suspicious and got into a physical altercation with a sergeant I have also known for years. He is probably one of the best sergeants we have here. He is also very tough, so the black guy got the short end of the stick in that fight. Now, I hate to say it, but all of these incidents are comical to me. I watch this shit unfold and think to myself; “why do these idiots do this stuff?”  It will never make sense to me, but as we all know, there is a lot in life that doesn’t make sense.

I spoke to Mom this morning on her way home from work and gave her the rundown on the goings on in here. She said that she was so glad that I am never involved in that stuff. The reason for that though, is that my circle of friends and I are okay. We don’t have a ‘let’s get over on the DOC’ mindset.

Holiday Shopping; My Black Friday

Friday, December 7, 2012

Because it is Friday, I should head over to the Inmate store and do some shopping. Because it’s the holidays, I can spend twice my limit and that is awesome. I spent $160 last week, but 50% of that went toward holiday cards and postage. I also picked up a new set of earbud headphones ($15) and spent $30 on hygiene products. Oh well. I will try to be calculated in my purchases today.

John and I are going to ‘stay in’ tonight and watch “The Town”, a great film that was actually filmed in Boston. Other than that, my weekend will be boring. Mom will be here on Sunday with Kevin in tow. It will be good to get off the yard for a little while.

A new wave of "Politicians" have arrived...

Friday, December 7, 2012

My work has been incredibly busy. On top of having to go to work, there has been a relatively large move made involving about 40 inmates. Unfortunately, they usually end up taking the good ones. The bad ones skate by and continue to act like fools. In this particular move, a lot of the replacement inmates came from a higher custody unit and are “somebodies” within the inmate political structures. Everyone seems to be pretty cool, for the most part.  I only know one of them but they all seem to know of me. That simple fact alone causes me to question just how well known I am within the system.

I have spent whatever time I have available outside on the yard so that I could observe the new arrivals behavior. Nothing bad or questionable has gone on so far, so I am glad for that. I have had my face seen enough now though, and have confirmed my “black support”. Thankfully, now I can go back to my routine.

Every once in awhile, it is good to be “seen” by the people, both old and new, so that they know that you support them and are there when need be. One thing I know is how to play the game.

Politics are really no different in here, than they are out there.

A change in direction; "I try not to give much thought to my release."

Friday, December 7, 2012

So I am 5 ½ years away from my release. Joe and my mom have, more or less, been on my ass to start making plans now. This is easier said than done because I try not to give much thought to my release. I know that may sound completely insane, but it is true. Always thinking about my release is disastrous to my psyche. I have to focus on the here and now, the present, if you will. Thinking about my release will drive me crazy and make my days very difficult.

I know that I cannot just walk out the gates without a plan and that I do have to have some sort of basic strategy for what I will do. It’s complicated though.

Here is where I am at so far:

Option #1 I am released and go back to the house in Scottsdale where I was living before. I will move back into my old room, live with my mom and my life will resume. She was supposed to sell that house, but I suspect that will not happen. She is more or less, afraid of change and refuses to leave Arizona until I am released.

Option #2 I am released and go back to San Francisco. I live in another house that I grew up in, with my aunt Jan. This situation is definitely a much better option than the 1^st. I will be back in the city I love the most. That city holds all my most wonderful memories. It is the city that made me. The downside is that it will take me even longer to move out of her house, and into my own place independently as San Francisco has a very high cost of living. I believe I could do it though.

Option #3 I am released and head to Boston. I either stay with Joe temporarily of go to a halfway house. The initial idea of living with Joe was great, but it would be very challenging. We are a seriously odd couple. I also love him too much to put such a wrench in his lifestyle. I would very quickly become a burden to him. I know how he is when even people he loves are houseguests for a few days. It’s hilarious, but I do take heed to it.

The idea of moving into a halfway house is something that I thought I would never do, but now, seems actually somewhat appealing. I’d be on my own and have nothing to do but focus on, besides getting back up on my own feet.

Now, let’s not forget that I have an overall desire to live in New England for my permanent address. That doesn’t mean that it has to happen, but I would like it to. I am also on a transfer list to finish my time in Massachusetts. I have been on that waiting list for 3 years now and with any luck, I will get transferred with only a year or two remaining on my sentence. Should that be the case, I will be in Boston anyways.

I still have time to decide on these options, but it is a very important decision for me. I have to decide where I am going to, and then, what I am going to do.

I have a lot on my mind.

Friendly Commentary; "Does anyone else in your life besides me, know how lonely and scared you are?”

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Many think that I simply write and package my entries up only to ship them off to Joe. But John actually reads everything that I write - before I send it off. I do this for a number of reasons, but mostly because it is something deeply personal for us to share that no one else here knows about.

Yesterday, for whatever reason, John came over and sat on my bed. I could tell that he had something to say. I believe his words were; “How come you go through every day the way that you do? On top of dealing with everything going on in your life, you take on everyone else’s problems/dramas and then act as if everything is okay? Does anyone else in your life besides me, know how lonely and scared you are?”

The question felt like a knife slicing into me. I could do nothing but close my eyes and breathe. It was as if he really was seeing David and instinctively I became anxious. No one in my life, not even Joe or my mom, see that side of me. (At least I don’t think they do…) I had nothing to say to John. There were no words. He put his hand on my chest and told me that everything was going to be okay. Then he got up and went back to doing whatever it was before he had come over.

Later on, I asked him why he had said what he had said. He told me that he reads all of my entries and watches me maneuver through each day. It had occurred to him that I do an excellent job pretending that I am truly okay, and that things are “fine”. He also watched as I help everyone else and deal with problems head on. He knows though, that at the end of each day, when I am laying in my bed, that things are not okay. He decided to let me know, that he knows that. Again, I had nothing to say because, well, I know that he is right.

Anyway, it’s just one more reason that we are such good friends.

Time to go to visit.

Shameful; "I feel shame every second of every day."

Saturday, December 1, 2012

It has been brought to my attention that my friend James, is the only follower of my blog. The realization of this is bittersweet. James is an incredibly sweet guy who I am growing to like more and more everyday. It says so much about his friendship to me that he would be willing to put himself out there for me. James – if you are reading this, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

On the flip side, this news has also caused me to realize that the people who are closest to me, whom I know keep up with the blog, have not become official ‘followers’.  I cannot help but to wonder if their reluctance to do so is from embarrassment, or simply that they really do want to retain their privacy. Either way, I respect their wishes. I won’t lie though, it still makes me wonder. If there is shame involved, it should not be them who are ashamed. It should be me. Believe me when I say that it is me. I feel shame every second of every day that I landed myself in this place. How could I possibly be proud of that? I will be a felon for the rest of my life. I may look back on this experience, years from now, and tell someone about how I made a terrible choice when I was 20 years old, and then paid the price. But deep down, there will always be shame.

The prison knows I am out here; "Does it give me pause?"

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I received a print out of my blogs face page from Joe. It arrived about a month later than he sent it. It had been opened and had the red “INSPECTED” stamp on it 3 different times. I would say that about 10% of our mail here is inspected. It is standard policy for the DOC (Department of Corrections) and rightfully so. You would be surprised at the things some inmates attempt to receive and/or mail home.

For me however, this simple act tells me that my blog is now out there – for real. The DOC is now fully aware of what I am doing and what I am writing about. Does it give me pause? I admit that at first, it did. But I am okay with it now. I am not here to condemn the department at all. I am simply here to tell my story, my daily journal if you will. I doubt that there will be any repercussions, but it is always a possibility.

There is a reason that many people belong to be here and the DOC has a job to do. As you might expect, 95% of the inmate population does not agree with me on this. They would go on and on about how badly they are being treated and how unjust it all is. Overall, we are not treated badly. This is a prison. There will be restrictions and rules and policies. At the end of the day, most just do not want to accept the fact that we have all done something, minor or major, to be placed here.

 

So many visits, so much time; "Visitation is great because we inmates get a break."

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I am sitting here in my proverbial Sunday best orange visit clothes. I have showered, shaved etc. Kevin is visiting today alone which is a good thing. Mom is on a long stretch of night shifts so I will not see her until next week. On the plus side, I will be off the yard today and away from the madness.

Visitation is great because we inmates get a break. Everyone, for the most part, gets to be themselves. We don’t have to walk around and pretend that we are HARD or like we have a chip on our shoulder. I can’t even count how many visits I have gotten but I would say it’s around 500 now. It’s crazy to think about. Mom and Kevin have always been so great in that sense. They are always front and center. I am one of the lucky ones.

There are days though that it would be nice to have other people or friends in my life to visit.  It is not always convenient though and I suspect some are simply afraid of actually coming to a prison. I can’t really blame them. The entire experience can be very intimidating – especially if it might be their the first time. That considered, I will take what I can get.

How important are dreams, really?; "the dreams I can remember are scary."

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Every night this week, I have had some intensely vivid dreams. The “I Should Not Be Alive” dream has been reoccurring a lot and I don’t exactly know what to make of it. Should I be dead? I don’t know. But I do know that all of us are living on borrowed time. We are all going to die eventually.

For me, the dreams I can remember are scary, but only in a seriously psychological sense.

For example;

1.       I dreamed that I was released from prison and returned to the very same house that I was living in at the time of my accident. I had another white Jeep Grand Cherokee, identical to the one I was in when the accident occurred. I wound up living with my mom, my aunt Jan, and Kevin. I was responsible for taking care of all of them. I had no life, personal or otherwise and barely left the house except for when one of them needed something. I was almost…. not there. It freaked me out. I got in the Jeep with a plan to leave and start anew, but as I came up to the state border between Arizona and California, and began to cross the line, I died.

2.       I dreamed that my release date came up. As I stepped over the border from the prison to the outside world, I was struck by a car and died. (I woke up in a sweat from that one...)

3.       I dreamed that I was released and went to Boston to live with Joe. Unfortunately, he could not motivate me to do anything. All I could do was sit in his house, clean and watch TV. I would not go outside for anything and I did not know why.

All of these dreams could very well be symbolic of fears that are in my subconscious. But the irony is that I received a letter from Joe in which he relayed a dream he had about me post release as well. In his dream however, I was living with him and had become completely and totally uncontrollable. He dreamed that I had hit the ground running, going a mile a minute constantly trying to make up for lost time. I have no idea what any of these things mean but I do know they are constantly playing in my head.

I also don’t mind admitting that they are all freaking me out.

Knowing that you do not belong, can be a tough pill to swallow

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I had an epiphany yesterday. I had left the office with John and we have about a 15 minute walk from our office to the point of entry to our dorm. Usually that 15 minutes turns into 45 minutes because we are stopped every 20 feet or so by random inmates so that they can ask us questions about the yard. On this day, I fell behind John and took a moment to study this great friend of mine. John is arguably the best friend that I have ever had since being in prison.

We are by appearances, the ‘odd couple’, but only if you see us as inmates. He is white and straight. I am, for all intent and purposes, black and gay. He is a South Beach Miami native and I am from San Francisco. We have each other’s secrets though and that is the binding factor. The both of us were brought up in cultured and educated families. We have the same interests and enjoy each other’s humor. Then we come back to the secrets. The biggest secret is that we both have strong Jewish ties within our families and well, that would be a serious problem for us in this place. Secretly, we also both find half of the people that we pretend to like, disgusting. Last; we both know that we do not belong in this place.

Now, for me, I have a reputation of being someone who has really pushed down the barriers in this environment. Because I am openly gay and multiracial (half black/half white; a lighter shade of brown), raised in an upper class family with little or no connections to the streets or gangs that run them, I should not ever be permitted to hold a “position” on a prison yard. I should be scoffed at, made fun of and told to stay in my place. I have worked hard at creating my own niche’ and developing my reputation. I have also maneuvered my way into making very good friends with the convicts who run the show that most are afraid of. All of these things have aided my survival. It took a tremendous amount of work, and a considerable degree of maintenance. Trust when I say, very few others can successfully pull this off.  I am alone though. I know that I do not belong here. These guys who have accepted me, and at times even protected me, have no real idea of who I am. It is sad, scary and unnerving all at the same time.

It occurred to me that I have in turn, taught John how to successfully operate in the same fashion. When I met John, he was reclusive and everyone believed he was soft. Now, he is seen as a man with a plan. I feel as if I have been unfair to him because now, he will continue being this new version of John for the rest of his incarceration. I paved the way for him, because the head of his people (the whites) is a good friend of mine, and as soon as the bond between John and I was noticeable, everyone’s attitudes changed toward him. As soon as John became aware of that shift, I began teaching him. He is very capable, but I have explained to him that popularity in here, can be very dangerous and incredibly exhausting as well.

The best way that I can explain it is; if a shy, quiet type in high school becomes friends with the a very popular kid, things will ultimately change for that quiet, shy kid. The same dynamic occurs in here.

Not too many people can claim that they have created their own acceptance. Do I belong? I suppose I do, but only under false pretenses. I am not sure if that is something that I should be proud of.

Mom's version of OZ; "It is her own personal soap opera."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Mom was out yesterday and we had a good visit. By the time she left at 4:00 PM though, I was exhausted. We had a lot to talk about and so we just chilled and let the conversation flow. It is interesting just how much she loves to hear about everything going on in here. It’s as if it is her own personal soap opera, in which her son, is the lead character actor within it. The fact that she has been able to meet some of the other “actors” face-to-face at visitation helps her too. But she never tires of the stories.

Perhaps I wouldn’t either if I did not have to live with it 24/7.

The weather was nice though, so we spent a lot of time outside. I did eat way too much  though. Oh well. It was both of our last days off. She is back at the hospital for the next 8 days straight and I am back to the office as well.

Such is life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oz_(TV_series)

Have you ever been watched... and OK with it?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Before coming to prison, I would never have considered myself to be prudish, or even shy about my body. Modeling required me to be naked sometimes more than when I actually had clothing on. But as my friends would say, I am not exactly the type of guy who would have been made fun of in the locker room. Despite that though, there were obviously things in prison that I had to adapt to, like basic strip searches, using the restroom in front of whomever, and of course, masturbation. For most guys, masturbation in here is a daily requirement. It is expected and most everyone have very few reservations about doing it in front of other guys in the shower. Now, I am not shy in this aspect, but I still try to make my own sessions when there is the least possible traffic in the shower.

Saturday however, I received a great letter from someone I am corresponding with. He called me his “in prison boyfriend” and well, I began to develop this fantasy, if you will. It became clear to me that I needed to head to the shower and handle my business. As I stood there and began to stroke, I sensed that someone was watching, but I continued on thinking about my friend.

For whatever reason, I turned around so that my back was now against the wall of the shower. I locked eyes onto Eli, who was studying me intently. I have watched him ‘take care of his business’ many times before but now, apparently, it was his turn to watch me. He did nothing but stand there, with the water running down over him. His erection gently swayed in the air as he watched every stroke I made. Before I knew it, I was at my climax and just like that, it was over.

Neither of us said a word as we continued to bathe. As I was drying off, and wrapping the towel around my waist, he came up beside me and said; “I have two questions for you; 1. Have you ever fucked anybody with that? & 2. Who were you thinking about in there?”

I quickly replied “Yes, I have fucked plenty of people, but prefer to be the receiver, and the person I was thinking about, was none of his business.” I walked out of the bathroom realizing that I have my own little voyeur in here.

All I could do, was smile.

Could this be our future?; "I do not live amongst the most intelligent group of people."

Monday, November 26, 2012

It’s 5:00 AM here in the sandpit and my vacation is officially over today. Overall it’s been long enough and I am mentally ready to go back to work. Being off work has been nice, but it has also served as a reminder that being around the yard all day can be incredibly draining. There have been so many problems within the inmate population and truthfully, I am tired of hearing about them. Actually, I am tired of pretending to care. Getting back to my regular routine will be really good for me.

I have always been aware of the fact that I do not live amongst the most intelligent group of people, but somehow this past Friday, that point was illustrated for me in spades. Some of us got into a pretty heated Q & A debate that made every fiber of my being cringe.

A white guy across from me, asked me about the largest continent and I told him that would be Asia. He balked and said that it had to be America. When we looked at the map, he pointed out all of America, including Canada. I said ‘no, that would be North America”. He was lost. That segued into a larger debate about many things.

Another inmate asked me when the Louisiana Purchase was. Then another chimed in and asked; “yeah… when did we buy Louisiana?” I at first thought he was joking, but it became clear that he was being completely serious. At the same time, other inmates shared that they believed that India was actually Indian territory.  They went onto say that they did not believe that it should be considered an Asian country. The reason of course, is because they do not look Asian.

The entire exchange went on for about 30 minutes and I could do nothing but become more and more depressed. I realize that it may be unfair of me, but in my mind, all of this is basic educational information.

 

CONTINENTS (by size)

#1 Asia - (44,579,000 sq km)
#2 Africa - (30,065,000 sq km)
#3 North America - (24,256,000 sq km)
#4 South America - (17,819,000 sq km)
#5 Antarctica - (13,209,000 sq km)
#6 Europe -  (9,938,000 sq km)
#7 Australia/Oceana - (7,687,000 sq km)

CONTINENTS (by population)

#1 Asia - (3,879,000,000)
#2 Africa - (877,500,000)
#3 Europe - (727,000,000)
#4 North America - (501,500,000)
#5 South America - (379,500,000)
#6 Australia/Oceania - (32,000,000)
#7 Antarctica - (0)

Town Hall Meeting; "Some white guy was stabbed in front of my dorm."

Monday, November 19, 2012

Since our mini riot last Tuesday, there has been a whirlwind of violence here. Our lockdown went on through Thursday and were finally placed on normal operations that morning. I had to be present at a town hall meeting with our Deputy Warden that morning.

The meeting was okay. I have a lot of respect for the Deputy Warden. She is no-nonsense and direct, which is something I can completely appreciate. She also has no problem meeting with an inmate one-on-one to try and help with whatever situation arises. That, is a rarity. The meeting went alright though and was over in a couple of hours. There was nothing that was brought up that I did not know already so mostly, I just sat and listened.

That evening, when the yard opened up for the night, some white guy was stabbed in front of my dorm. So back on lockdown we went again. I was able to get out to go to work on Friday .  That was good, because I had many loose ends to tie up before going on a 12 day vacation.

Again, we came off lockdown early yesterday morning so I was able to go out, use the phone and take care of a couple of things. Like clockwork though, as soon as the yard opened up for night rec last night, another white guy was assaulted. Argh!

Lockdown is the story of our life.

Since I am off now for an entire week, I have no idea of what’s in store. I will blog and work out. John is planning the menu for Thanksgiving. But I will have to cook it.
Oh well.

Murder is Bad; "Are we at a time where we actually have to remind people of this fact?"

Monday, November 19, 2012

Murder is Bad.

I was on the phone with Joe yesterday and he told me about a large billboard in Boston that had a photo of a young girl on it. Above her, were the words “Murder is Bad”. I have not been able to stop thinking about that. I mean; Are we at a time where we actually have to remind people of this fact? If we are, then why?

As I came across the yard toward the dorm from the phone, I looked around. Guys were dealing drugs (mostly spice), plotting their next assault, or shooting up heroin. I wondered if maybe I should go up to them and tell them that what they were doing is ‘bad’. Would it even make a difference? Most likely they would look at me as if I had shot their dog and then wonder why I would ever say such a thing. I really don’t believe that the greater majority of men here got the memo that the things they are doing, are not good. Unfortunately most of them don’t care.

Once I was inside and settled into my dorm, John looked over and could see that I was lost in deep thought. I shared my thoughts with him. He understood everything that I had said, and then reminded me that behaviors like that, are why we treat everyone here on the defensive. That statement alone segued us onto another topic and it was also intriguing.

The overall gist of the conversation was simple; in here, we (John & I) believe that everyone has an angle and are constantly trying to get over on one another. The word TRUST is not in the inmate handbook. It never will be. So because of that, I have to always be stern and somewhat aggressive with the people I associate with in here. That, is not who I am at all. But it is how I must be so that people do not take advantage of me. The reasons I gravitate toward spending all my time with John, on the phone, writing letters, blogging, or at visit - is simply because I can relax and just be “me" when I am engaged in those activities. This may sound completely unbelievable but I never realized that, until John pointed it out. Those activities are another way for me to hold onto my humanity and remind myself that I am an actual person.

John proceeded to give me examples of how I interact with others in here:

o   When I am walking on the yard, a lot of men will try to talk to me for any number of reasons. They will call my name and I will refuse to make eye contact. Instead, I will say “If you need me, than walk and talk. I’m not stopping.”

o   When I am sitting at my cubicle, men will come over to my run and try to ask for certain things. I will immediately say “NO” before they even finish asking their question.

These examples tell me that"

1. I did get the memo that "Murder is Bad"
2. I know what people are capable of - and
3. I do not go through life with blinders on and trust everyone that makes my acquaintance.

 The crazy part is that I never realized these things until after coming to prison.

Taking a Day; "We are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension."

Thursday, November 15, 2012

My boss was supposed to pick up John and I at 07:00. It is now 10:00 AM and no boss.

Either he was tasked to do other things, or administration will not allow him to pull us out of our building because we are still on lockdown status due to the racial tension. The only problem with all of this is that we have a lot of work to do and only one more day to do it. After tomorrow, we are officially back on vacation again for 12 days, so everything will be delayed yet again. If for some reason we do not go to work today, then I suppose I will write letters to my friends James and Marquise.

Finding a Partner...Does it matter?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It is late, around midnight and I guess I have not gone to sleep yet for two reasons.

The first reason is that I received quite an intriguing letter from Joe. He posed a question to me at the end of it that has got me to do some thinking, as he always does. Since then, I have been unable to shut my mind off.

I have explained to you that Joe is my blog master. He is an outstanding friend and since he does know me so well, he also has a very keen way of picking me apart. Thankfully, I am also capable of doing the same thing to him. In any case, he is able to read and comprehend the blog entries in a different fashion than I do. For me of course, I am simply writing my experiences, my thoughts and such, on paper. In this recent letter from him that I received, he incorporated the following paragraph;

“On a side note, there is a very apparent, reoccurring message that expresses your unbridled desire to be in love. It may be very unintentional David, but the last thing you want to do in your blog is plant, what could easily be misconstrued as, an ulterior motive. Lighten up on that a bit, or at least find a way to plant that message in a more subtle, sophisticated manner. You do not want your readers to begin thinking that your real goal with the blog is to find a partner… (or do you?)”

So this message really struck a chord with me. It was not that Joe said what he had said, but rather the fact that is is possible that I have come across as the person whom he described. Now, Joe being one person who really knows me, has a one up on most of you because he is actively aware that I am a relationship oriented guy. But I still must take heed to his neutral observation. There is a strong case here that he may be right, but I assure you, it is completely unintentional.  I tend to write with my thinking voice and when left alone with my thoughts… well you have read the results. All I can say is that I have never really looked at this blog as a way of meeting someone in a romantic way. That doesn’t mean however, that I will not actively hide my desire to have someone special in my life.

The second reason that I am still awake is because there are a couple of new faces living in my run now. I have a problem going to sleep before new people. I feel unsettled because I do not know who they are or what they are about. I like to be aware of my surroundings and it takes awhile to adjust when there are new people around me. It’s an environmental hazard and one that I surely will have to break at some point.

Racial Tension and Self Reflection; "an all out battle broke out between the two races."

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Something wicked is brewing within our population. Last night, I had to go outside to talk with a few of the brothas about their dealings with a particular Mexican who has a penchant for compulsive lying and drug use. When I was done, I was walking across the yard and noticed the head Mexican national (Paisa) speaking to the head Mexican American in a raised voice. I could not make out all that was said, but as I called the house and said hello to Kevin, an all out battle broke out between the two races. About 60 people were involved and I had just enough time to tell Kevin what was going on, before I had to hang up the phone and get on the ground.

As I laid there in my good sweats and shoes, I looked around and surveyed the mess. Imagine a bunch of angry chimpanzees going at it and that would be the closest you can imagine to the scene. All of the brothas and the whites stayed away and were virtually unaffected by it. I tried to get comfortable because I knew I would likely be there on the ground for hours while the officers got everything under control.

New inmates who were around me were in shock and a bit terrified. It sadly, served up a reminder to me of my own institutionalization both mentally and emotionally, as I was completely fine. In fact, I was more upset that I was missing a new episode of Happy Endings.

About two hours later, officers finally got around to processing me. Basically they check our hands, knuckles, face and body to ensure that we were not involved. Then we submit to a full body scan in a chair and then released back to our respective dorms. The process works because they did get all the men involved, but it is incredibly time consuming.

As I entered my run, of course John was hysterical because he was unable to get to me, or know if I was okay. Mentally I understood his concern and appreciated it but, again, I have been there, done that. John, on the other hand, has been lucky and has never been involved in a riot or an extremely hostile situation yet.

I showered, washed my now dirty clothes, caught the end of the 10:00 o’clock news and then went to bed.

The yard is officially locked down because of the inter-racial tension but I was able to go to work. I have no idea if the issue between the two races is over. I have a feeling that it was initially a one on one disagreement that got way out of hand. Time will tell, but the administration is taking every precaution – which is completely understandable.