I have the day off. Mr. O did not come in today so I went out sick and had a good 5 mile run around the track. I did not bring my CD player, so I was alone with my thoughts I guess. For the most part, I thought about how incredibly lonely I am. I have this unbelievable circle of support. My family and friends are great and yet, I still feel incredibly alone. Joe always says that my search of a partner is somehow in my hardwiring and that I think that finding love will somehow validate me. He may be right. Today though, it would’ve been nice just to know that I had someone like that on an intimate level. Over time, I have become to crave sex less, and intimacy more.
My pen pal experience has been mind blowing as I look back on it. I surely could write a book on their characters alone. At this point, I would simply enjoy a person of quality over quantity though. Unfortunately, I get quantity, but not quality. I mean, 90% ask how big my dick is in the 1st letter, or they send me photos of actors who they think I will not recognize and try to pass those images off as themselves. It is all very comical now that I think about it. Being in this position, I shouldn’t have high expectations, but I do have hope.
All that said, I do not mean to suggest that I have not had some great guys to correspond with. In time, they realize that loving someone in prison is not an easy situation to deal with. I can’t blame them. Writing letters, talking on the phone and having an occasional visit still doesn’t make up for a lot of other experiences.
As soon as I came in from working out, we went on an ‘ICS’. A white guy got beat up pretty badly. Immediately I thought back to having a violence free day yesterday. In any case, we are all locked down and preparing for what is called a body/knuckle check. Basically, officers order us to get completely naked and turn 360 degrees with our hands out. The general idea is that staff can see if we have any visible marks on our bodies or hands that would signify that we have been in a fight. Once that was over, I took a shower and then a nap.
I woke up when they called out for lunch. I make it a point to visit the chow hall as little as possible. Prison food is exactly as you would imagine it to be; unnatural grey colors with mashed vegetables and a lot of bread that has an eerie resemblance to cardboard. The meals that I do go to are always the same. French toast is the only palatable breakfast. For lunch, I will go if there is pizza or grilled cheese. Dinner; I will have cheeseburgers. That’s it. I pretty much live on the food that I buy at the inmate commissary. My basic staples are tuna, packaged chicken, rice, Ramen noodles, bagels, peanut butter, coffee and water.
Later on, I need to go and call my mom. She has worked all week but will be here on Sunday to visit so I am looking forward to that.
It’s always the little things that really count.