‘Race & Sexuality’

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I have forever been told that I am the ‘different one’, an anomaly or the exception to the rule when it comes to my race and sexual orientation. In comparison to most people of color and homosexuals, I have had an incredibly good life. It may even be unfair, just how easy parts of my life were. I suppose that growing up in a culturally rich San Francisco can do that.

Today however, it occurred to me that I do not identify as a black man or a white one. I have made my way by creating an independent category for David Ryan McKinney. People will ask me what it’s like being a black man in prison and I have no answer because well, I really don’t know. I mean, I am multi-ethnic and yes, I do have African American blood flowing through my veins, but I have never been truly welcomed or embraced by the Black community. This has never bothered me per se… I have accepted that I will never be ‘Black enough’.

In today’s culture, I would be “Black-ish” because I love jazz and R&B, I have swagger infused confidence, I play basketball exceptionally well and I am well versed in Black history. On the other hand, I am very articulate, pronounce all of my vowel groups, keep my pants up, love alternative music, practice Judaism, and play soccer very well. These are obviously conflicting stereotypes that subconsciously grant others the right to coin me as the ‘different one’, the anomaly, and the clear exception to the rule.

The reasons that I have been able to maneuver through my basic day-to-day with the Black population in prison is because I can easily hone in on my Black-ish interests. My acceptance is not an issue because they are unable to criticize me since I am not 100% Black. This peculiar fact has in a way, saved me from ridicule. If I had been viewed as a ‘Black Man’, then the end all/be all of whether I was accepted - or not would be simple. I am a gay man and well, many in the Black population seem to have an issue with that. There is no way around it….I would have been damned because of my sexuality.

In prison, I think the Black population is reflective of the hip/hop community on the outside. So many aspire to be rap artists or drug dealing, gun toting individuals and well, let’s be honest; gay men do not fit that mold – at all. In hip/hop, homosexuality is unheard of and viewed as unacceptable. In prison, the Black population follows suit. What is disturbing about that is that the discrimination occurs both inside prison walls and outside in society as well.

Recently, Joey viewed a Youtube video clip of an effeminately dressed man walking on the streets of NYC – which is assuredly one of the most open and liberal cities in the world. The negative comments, snickers and blatant disrespect shown toward this man was horrifying to him. Though I was unable to view it myself, I could tell by his reaction that it was a very disturbing video. Apparently it became clear that the majority of the people being disrespectful were Black and it cause Joey to ask me what that was all about.

I did not need to see the video clip.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls6-ZYSZoDM

I see that kind of discrimination everyday here in prison. What is intriguing is that it is not ever directed toward me, but rather, aimed at the more effeminate, 100% Black gay men only. There have been times when, I have been sitting and talking to a group of Black men (men I have known for years and have come to respect in my own way...) , and a fellow gay man walks by. They will immediately launch into a tirade of verbal assaults on him. Mind you, I am sitting there right amongst them! It is embarrassing for me and my heart breaks because it appears that I have chosen ‘sides’. In fact, I have not.

At times, I have put guys I know on the spot, demanding to know why they choose to embrace me as one of the ‘fellas’ but not the other gay men. Their response is always the same; that I do not embarrass them the way that more effeminate gay men do. I think the whole situation is absurd, but it’s much too big for me to fix.

Sometimes in life, there are things that we simply do not understand or can make sense of. The reasons why I have been acknowledged and accepted as a gay man in prison is simple: I do not place myself in a specific group or race. More importantly, I do not strive to just be known just as a "gay man". I have simply become ‘David’ and for whatever reason, it works.

This headline makes me feel like, we as a society, have actually made no advancements in life.

' DISCRIMINATION'

Friday, February 28, 2014

DISCRIMINATION: Treating people differently through prejudice; unfair treatment of one person or group, usually because of prejudice about race, ethnicity, age, religion, sexual orientation or gender.

I woke this morning to discover that Arizona has a bill waiting to be signed that would allow businesses to turn away homosexuals. I feel so ashamed of the fact that I live in this state. Here it is 2014 and Arizona is taking huge steps backward. Politically, I strongly disagree with most everything that the state of Arizona stands for. Leaving this state will be the best day of my life.

My personal experience;

One would think that growing up in San Francisco I would have been introduced to discrimination early on, but that is not the case. I was taught about it, yes. Living in San Francisco allowed people to be who they were, real and organic. Understanding discrimination and actually being discriminated upon are completely different things.

The first time I experienced discrimination I was in high school here in Arizona. (Scottsdale) Classmates would ask where I was from and I would respond San Francisco. Their immediate thought was that I must be gay. I also realized that everyone divided themselves up into specific groups or cliques. I only attended private schools and the ones in Scottsdale were very different from the ones I went to in California. Financial status as apparently very important in Scottsdale, so by proxy, the kids were divided into three categories; #1 The Wealthy, #2 The Very Wealthy & #3 Those who had more money than the law should allow. In San Francisco, everyone was financially secure but nobody ever spoke about it. No one cared. In Scottsdale however, it was all about the clothes that I wore, the car that I drove, my summer/winter vacation destinations, my parent’s jobs, my address – and how many addresses we had.

Since I was new, nobody really knew much about me so they had no alternative other than to turn their perception into fact. They assumed that I was Latin American or of a mixed ethnicity because of my skin tone and features. They assumed that I was in the 2^nd financial category because I drove a Land Rover, wore designer clothes and had more than one address. Initially, I felt as though I would fit in but none of these things really mattered because, at the end of the day, they still believed that I was gay. That in of itself was social suicide in Scottsdale. Being that I was confident in the fact that I was gay however, I decided to rise above it. I figured that I needed to be stronger than the people who were judging me.

My prison experience;

Coming to prison, I was discriminated against not only for being gay, but also for being financially secure, light skinned, attractive, and educated. Saying that I was hated – would be an understatement.

Years later, after more fights than I care to count, and a couple of years in the “hole”, I have established myself in a society that I naturally shouldn’t fit into at all. I don’t want you to think that I have changed everyone’s minds because I haven’t. I have managed to enlighten a few, but in truth, the majority has simply chosen to accept me because it is easier than explaining how they have lost a fight to a homosexual. Many of them also realize that I am smarter than they are and so, in a way, I have Become an asset to them.

You have to remember that this will always be a testosterone based environment. Even though I am masculine, being gay still makes me weak in their eyes.

Yes, I know all about being discriminated upon.

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds?

Friday, January 3, 2014

Being gay in prison – Is it as challenging as it sounds? The simple answer is yes. Still, the answer deserves more attention than that though, so I will do my best to explain.

As a gay man coming into prison, you have some options as far as how to proceed through incarceration.

1^st Option; Digress back into the closet completely, reel in any of the effeminate mannerisms and characteristics, become a straight man for all intent and purposes. As a means of survival, I think it can be acceptable in this situation for those who truly can commit to becoming someone else.

2^nd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and immediately become hitched to someone who will protect you so long as you are their ‘property’. Responsibilities become very wife-like i.e. cooking, cleaning, laundry and sex. Remember that there is no divorce in prison though without serious consequences which usually result on serious physical assault.

3^rd Option; Enter prison being true to who you are and stand your ground as far as remaining on your own. You will have to fight a lot initially because people will test you all the time. As a gay man, we are seen as weak and feminine. So you have to prove yourself worthy of acceptance to the heterosexual population. Along with fighting, you should be able to think, act and speak for yourself. You will be judged at everything: how you play sports, workout, wear your clothing, speak, shake hands etc. All of your behavior can be seen as “gay” or “weak” so be clear on who you are andstick to it. Our reputations are everything in here.

I suppose a great many of you are wondering what option I took. I chose Option 3. To be clear though, I had no idea of what options I had when I first came into prison. All I knew was that I had a high profile case and the media had mentioned that I was a gay male. I figured it would come back to haunt me – so I decided to just be ‘me’. None of it was easy and I have been in more physical altercations than I care to admit. After a few years though, the population began to talk and eventually the word gets out that you can hold your own in a fight. At that point, the fights begin to slow down.

Straight men who come into prison are also challenged, but they are given the benefit of the doubt. Gay men walk head first into war as their own personal gladiator. Once you accept that you are on your own, it can be liberating in a way. Your survival is all up to you so when you ‘make it’, well, it’s a pretty surreal feeling. Even now, after all these years, I look in the mirror at least once a day in awe that I have made it this far.

If someone told me years ago that one of the biggest accomplishments that I would have done in my life is surviving 16 years in prison, I would have laughed and then began describing the many ways in which I would likely have been killed on my first day.

In the final analysis, we, as human beings, whether we are straight, gay, transgender, striped, purple, green or whatever, we are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We must have faith in ourselves. I made the choice to survive. 

I am surviving and I am doing so as a bi-racial, gay man in prison.

Politics; "the homosexuals didn’t respect me because I was not feminine."

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Four more years of President Obama! YES! I admit that I was tuned into MSNBC during the hours of election coverage last night. I am an Obama supporter 100% when it comes to making a choice between him and Romney. As soon as I saw the Romney defeat, I could go to bed.

The other amazing news was that Tammy Baldwin won the senate seat in Wisconsin and she, is openly gay. To me, this was even greater than President Obama’s re-election. It means that people are truly moving forward out there and able to look at what matters rather than who she chooses to share her bed with.

As a gay man, I feel as if it is one more step towards equality. I know that nothing happens overnight, and that there will always be people against me that do not approve, just as they are in here, with me now. I am so happy for Ms. Baldwin though and truly do believe she was the best candidate for the seat.

In here, we do not have actual elections, but we do have our head speakers, or the final decision makers, and they are voted in. The difference is that we do not campaign or voice that we even want the position. It is all based upon seniority and reputation. Gang affiliation and origin also play a part in it as well. An inmate from New York, for example, cannot be the head of a race for an entire yard in Arizona. There are serious issues with our process because a lot of times, just like in real politics, it is a popularity contest. At the same time, a lot of political positions can be simply dropped in your lap, and you do not have the option of saying ‘no’ to those appointments. If you mess up, guess who becomes the enemy? It can get very messy, very quickly.

For me, I have done my best when it has come to the various positions that I have held and when you consider the ladder that I have subconsciously climbed without even realizing it, well, I too have broken down some serious barriers!

The 1^st position that was ever given to me was in 2007. I was told that I would be responsible for all the homosexuals on the yard. At the time, there were 12 of us. The position was difficult because the homosexuals didn’t respect me because I was not feminine like they were. In time, I earned their respect and after that, things ran smoothly.

In 2004, there was a decision made above my head that there would be no homosexuals allowed on the yard because they were causing too much drama between the particular gangs and races. They had to leave, but I was exempt because I was one of the ‘fellas’ and also happened to be with the head of the Bloods, (I have explained the relationship to LayZ to you already.) Not long after that, I was given an entire ‘run’ of people to be in charge of. This caused a major shift in political structure in prison. Until that time, no other homosexual had ever held a position where they could make decisions about straight men, and real convicts at that. A few bucked the decision challenged me physically, but I won. In that situation, if I win, then that person must concede to me. I did really well in the position though and kept peace within the group of people that I had to speak on behalf of. It was that time that I earned the most of my respect from the general population.

In 2010, I was promoted to becoming a sergeant of a yard, which meant that I was the head of about 200 other men, Again, I excelled at it. I think that my positions have gone well because, unlike the majority, I tend to think about what is really going on within our population. I’m not an advocate of violence, so that is never my first option. I believe that if these guys can learn to communicate like adults, then it benefits everyone as a whole.

By 2011, I was moved to a different yard and realized that I had earned enough status to respectfully decline a position on the yard. I did this because I did not respect the head at all and I knew that I would not work well with him. Thankfully, I was allowed to “take a break”.

This year however, coming to my current unit changed everything once again. The head is someone I have known for years and it was not really an option to say ‘no’. I explained to him that I wanted a small position and that made him laugh. Looking back on it now, I suppose it was comical because I was appointed head of Dorm 2, which is, or was, the worst of the yard. On the plus side, all major issues have been happening in other dorms now, which, is saying a lot.

Haters; "The fact that I am gay, really boils their blood."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

So, it is only 2:00 PM and John, Terry, Efren and Terrell and I came home early. Our boss had to deal with a lot of inmate grievances that were filed so he is busy with paperwork.

My morning was filled with dealing with other inmate work crews who have decided to take aim at our work crew. Being that I am the lead clerk, I have become a main target of theirs. Fortunately, I can play that game much better than any of those guys. All it takes is a little bit of aggressive observation. The other work crew believes that I have too much influence and pull, to get things done. The other inmate crews also consist primarily of skin heads and so, the color of my skin, and the fact that I am gay, really boils their blood. On top of that, we have a really good crew.

In any case, they have decided to pull proverbial punches whenever possible. We continue to hear some pointed, backhanded comments, but today, I guess I was feeling a bit feisty. John could see the wheels spinning in my head because there was a mischievous look on my face.

Believe it or not, some people here are genuinely afraid of confrontation. I, on the other hand, am not and so I decided to confront these particular individuals. I went to them alone, and as I casually put them in check verbally, I could tell that they were totally caught off guard. They immediately began to back pedal; they knew they were busted. I did not stick around to listen but instead, turned on my heels and walked away. My physical composure was stoic, but inside, I was a bundle of firing nerves. With that, I decided to come ‘home’ and my partners, decided to do the same.

“Sigh,”

Traitor; "homosexuals in prison, for whatever reason, take on a female persona.."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I have continued to think about things that I have said with regard to other homosexuals in prison. Emotionally, I feel as if I have become a traitor to my own people and so, I feel as if it warrants some further explanation. First though, I need to paint a portrait of the homosexuals we are talking about.

The greater majority of male homosexuals in prison, for whatever reason, take on a female persona. They do not live as females on the street, and yet they do in prison. I have yet to figure out exactly why that is. I simply accept it. Over the years, I have known many in the prison system and they are all unique in their own way. The problem is that they totally become transfixed by penises.  I can’t honestly say I blame them. There are penises everywhere. We are naked so much that it is a very normal sight.

So the homosexuals who come to prison, and take on a female identity, usually choose to be called by a feminine ‘handle’ or name. I will give a brief rundown of the ones that matter. Mind you, some have become quite infamous along the way.

Dee

Dee is an overweight Native American whom I befriended in county Jail. We began our time together in maximum security and ironically, were transferred to a medium custody yard together. On the bus ride, we were shackled together. Dee explained to me that she was going to affiliate with the Mexican Americans, instead of the Native Americans because she liked Mexican men. I warned her that it would be risky, but she did it anyway.  We were only on the yard for four hours before she was assaulted by the Native Americans. I watched in horror, but was thankful that it wasn’t me. I know how badly that sounds, but again, one must survive.

Coco

Coco is a bi-racial man who had long hair, a gold tooth and wore clothing so tight, you would have an easier time putting toothpaste back into the tube. Coco was all about business, He had an actual menu for sexual favors:

Blow Job             4 honey buns
Hand Job            2 honey buns
Kissing                 Cup of coffee
Sex                       $10.00 of store credit

The most amazing part, was that Coco’s locker was always overflowing with food and he was always working.

Gigi

Gigi was a frail, dark chocolate man with a lazy eye. Word on the yard was that Gigi gave the best blowjob in the state. The problem was, Gigi was a heroin addict and guys would have to pay him with drugs for his service, If Gigi was high before the oral sex began, you were taking a chance that he would nod off, or pass out during the process. It actually made many guys angry and they wanted their money back.

Vicki

Vicki was a tall white man that had a penchant for black guys. In prison, having sex with a person of another race is strictly taboo. Vicki however, took every opportunity available. He would go into someone’s cell to “play a game of chess”. Funny thing was, the game was usually over in about 4 minutes. When Vicki would exit the cell, there would always be a huge, cheesy grin on his face. Vicki and I did not get along because he wanted to be called Jason, but the name Vicki had already stuck and I always called him that.

Kay

“Ms. Kay”, as I call her, is probably one of the most sought after homosexuals in the system. He is a beautiful man and an even more beautiful woman. He wore fitted clothes, make up and permed long hair. He also had an ass that spoke to the men. We are actually friends because Kay happens to know how to do time. He doesn’t sleep around, but rather, prefers to be in relationships. He can fight amazingly well and doesn’t play games.

Chris

Chris is a 52 year old ex drag queen from San Francisco. He and I became instant friends and have remained that way. He has been in prison for 23 years and knows everything there is to know about doing time. I have a tremendous amount of love for him and hope to see him again soon.

Certain homosexuals like Vicki, Coco and Gigi, cause huge amounts of drama on the yard and between the races. It is because of that, that inmates at the more aggressive yards in the state will not allow them to be housed there.  The yard that I am currently on, is one of those yards. The administration though, will try to house anyone here. (why wouldn’t they?) It is not their fault because everyone should be allowed to live here. It is our fault, the inmates. We are the ones telling them to leave and they cannot stay. It breaks my heart when I see this, because there was a time when I was being told to ‘leave’. (I will explain later, but it is true.)

There are exceptions. Certain homosexuals are allowed to stay if an inmate who has served over 10 consecutive years, or is an OG (old gangster) vouches for and takes responsibility for them. I have been on this yard for almost a year now and have yet to see someone stand up and vouch for a homosexual who was brought here.

Because of who I am, and the respect that I have earned, I can voucher, but I do not . And that makes me a ‘traitor’ in a way. (I could only imagine myself vouching for Chris or Kay should they show up. ) But again, I must survive here. If I vouch for one, and they cause a problem, then I am the one responsible. The end result, would not be good for me. Not good at all.

Last week, a homosexual was brought to the yard

Tuesday September 11, 2012

The lights are on and everyone is stirring. I attempted to sleep in today since I do not have to be at work until noon. I only got in an extra 30 minutes or so.

We had 5 different people roll up yesterday. “Rolling up” means they have said that they are not safe and wish tobe placed into protective segregation. All of the guys yesterday were white, so I am sure administration will be going after my friend, Bild, the Head of the whites. When people roll up willingly, they have to give up some intelligence to staff in order to be moved. 9 times out of 10, they always say the “Head” was threatening them into paying their debts etc. When that happens, it is only a matter of time before begin targeting the Head. If it continues, or if too many people become assaulted,  then the Head will be placed at the Special Management Unit which is basically a permanent “hole”. They will be considered a permanent security threat. The overall situation is bad because we do not normally step forward and say “I want to be the Head of our people”. Most times we are elected and told the position is ours. Should someone decline the position, then they end up being physically disciplined. It is not fair, but then again, not much in prison is.

Last week, a homosexual was brought to the yard. The inmates refused to allow him on the physical yard so he in turn, never stood a chance and had to leave. Since we one of the most violent yards in the state, the inmate population has made a unanimous decision to not allow any homosexuals here.  This is especially true for very effeminate homosexuals who refer to themselves. You may be wondering; why am I here then? Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. I am certainly the exception. I am, for all practical purposes, the ‘different one’.

Many years ago, I was linked up with a great guy named Lay-Z.. He is a highly respected member in a gang so is also very respected in prison. The overall perception was that because of this, I was not to be fucked with. Though I never really appreciated being perceived as someone’s “property”… It was an incredibly smart move that has never lost its advantages.  But on top of that, I am not a typical gay male. I am more of a ‘man’s man’ ; I work out, play sports, have learned the verbal lingo; the various handshakes and how to dress. I am accepted and over above that, I can fight. That little fact is well known throughout the prison population and definitely helps a lot. In any case, my sexual orientation rarely comes up and 80% of the prison population still believes, or views me as the property of Lay-Z even though we have not been on a yard together since 2009.

Whenever there is another gay inmate turned away, there is always a feeling of somehow being a traitor inside me. I feel like I should be doing something to make their lives easier here but to do so, would be putting myself in some serious jeopardy. The only people who actively stand up for homosexuals are the inmates who claim them like objects. I have been on a lot of yards with that dynamic and always... something happens. The most common incident is that they cheat on their man with someone from a rival gang or a different race.  The punishment for an offense of that nature is severe. Last year, a gay inmate was murdered. After a terrible beating, he was left in his bed to die slowly.  It is events of that nature that remind me that this place, is not ‘ok’.

Do not think that simply because  there are no open homosexuals allowed, that guys are not having sex. They are – and it is quite common. Why it is acceptable, I have no idea. I believe that they psychologically convince themselves that are not gay or bisexual. They are simply just ‘getting off’. Things are not always supposed to make sense. This is one thing that I have had to really get used to over the years.

As far as things go today, we have a volleyball tournament tonight providing the weather allows it. I need to go do some shopping at the inmate store. I am running low on basic staples; oatmeal, coffee, peanut butter, etc. I also need to swing by mail and property and see if there is anything there for me. My mom sent me a CD from Amazon.com. It is by a new artist named Elle Varner, http://www.ellevarner.com/ so I have been looking forward to that.

Before I end this entry for today, I need to make something extremely clear to those who choose to read these words. I am not, in any way, an advocate for anything that goes on here. I have witnessed some horrific things happen to people over the years. As I write, I may seem to be somewhat desensitized to it. I am not. Over the years, I have had to learn how to compartmentalize these disturbing events so that I can continue to move forward. It is the only option that I have. Survival is the most important thing, and things… can change in an instant here.