Tuesday, September 25, 2012

There is a direct correlation to how my friends and family are doing, to how I am doing.

Monday September 10, 2012

Good morning everyone. Another week is upon us. It’s early yet, about 5:00 AM and everyone is asleep still but a few early risers besides myself.
The weekend went off without a hitch. I spent Saturday finishing up a book called ‘Defending Jacob’. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11367726-defending-jacobTruly an amazing read. I highly recommend it for those of you who are strong of heart. On top of that, I did a week’s worth of laundry while zoning out to Sade’ http://www.sade.com/us/home/ and Adele http://www.adele.tv/ .  Being that it was Saturday, there was nothing much on TV so I had an early night.
My mom, Lyn was here to visit me yesterday. She also had my step father, Kevin in tow. The triumvirate relationship the 3 of us have is incredibly challenging. More so now than ever.
Lyn is certainly one of the most amazing women that I know. She is dysfunctional, but amazing. We are seriously best friends and have been since forever. Our road in life together has not been easy. For people looking from the outside however, they would think we have always had it easy. She never wanted our personal business out there and so, keeping that in mind, we have always created a very beautiful picture to be seen. In a way, it is very much like the movie ‘American Beauty’ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Beauty_(film) . At least from my point of view it is.

Lyn is a beautiful, charismatic, intelligent and strong woman.  Those who may not know her, see a woman that has accomplished a great deal because she lives a very comfortable upper class lifestyle. Those who know her more intimately however, understand that she works incredibly hard to preserve that existence.  She has also undertaken the role of ‘breadwinner and provider’ in her relationship, as Kevin has not been gainfully employed since the major economic collapse in 2007. As is the case in many relationships, the challenges they have both faced during the recession, have placed extraordinary stress and pressure on their partnership.
As I have become older, and more in tune with life, I would say there has definitely been some role reversal between my mother and I. I have voiced that I do not like how she is living and that she needs to make some changes in her life. I only want her to be happy but only she can make the changes. I have no power here.
When some people come to prison, we realize of course the many things that we took for granted. The thing that I have found that irritates me most, is when I have friends or family that have so many options and yet, do not take them. I have no options. I have to be here for the time being but believe me, when the time comes. I will seize all of my opportunities. All of this is not easy for me however, and there is a direct correlation to how my friends and family are doing, to how I am doing.
Example; Joe has Crohns disease. When I called him this past week, he was experiencing an attack. Until I was able to get a hold of him again by phone and know that he was in to see the MD, I was worried every minute. These people are all that I have in my life and they are not okay, well I am not okay.

Anyway, my visit yesterday was okay, but conversation was strained. By the time I got back to the dorm, I showered, finished watching the 49er/Packer football game and went to sleep.
Today, I only have to work a half day because Mr. X has a meeting this afternoon. This will give me some time to write a couple of letters. I have also been thinking about rewriting my profile on writeaprisoner.com http://www.writeaprisoner.com/ . I would really like to genuinely get to know someone.
Recently I had been writing to a man named Jerry, in Delaware. He said all the right thing on paper and then his photo came. Well, I did some quick PI work because the photos appeared to be computer generated. It turned out that the gay he was attempting to pass himself off as, is an actor in the Vampire Diaries TV show. I wrote him back, asking for an explanation and have not heard back from him since. Huh? I suppose I should expect more experiences to be like that, but I don’t. The pen pal thing is a big deal here. 50% of those who are actively doing it, are con artists. Guys here will post ads and write both women and men.  The will say that they are straight or gay or whatever it is they must say in hopes of getting some money. It is truly a pathetic venture that consistently bothers me but I have to hold my tongue. Still I think to myself that I am not one of those people and yet, all I get are guys asking how big my ‘parts’ are. What does it matter? They can’t play with them even if they wanted to. (Not yet anyway)

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