Monday, May 26, 2014
The events of the past few weeks have
been filled with a great many things. I have addressed everything as
efficiently as possible and the reaction has been somewhat negative. I trying
though, but still somewhat unresolved as to if I am in the wrong – or perhaps –
its that the people who think they know me – don’t really know me at all
anymore…
The events
- One of our Dobermans needed emergency surgery because of a bowel obstruction
- Mom’s car was broken into
- My final exams for school were due
- The level of violence has escalated here
- The temperature is averaging 110 degrees (Inmates become hostile, irritable, and aggravated due to the lack of air conditioning)
- Mom had to attend a medical conference in Las Vegas (a city we both hate…)
- I had to make revisions to the IRA account
- I had to rework the budget numbers for the new house
Needless to day I have been going
nonstop. Everything has been taken care of but I concluded that I had
absolutely no connection to anything I was doing! I really had disassociated
myself from everything and simply took care of what I could in a very
methodical, business like manner.
It would be incredibly rude for me to
say that I didn’t care – because that was not true. Had I not cared, I would
not have done each task to the best of my ability. It is true however that I
remained somewhat unemotional about all of it.
When I learned the news about the dog,
I was quiet. Mom asked if I had anything to say and I responded that I was
sorry – but that I was sure he would be ‘okay’. I then asked about the cost of
the necessary surgery. Mom surmised that I was being insensitive and felt my
response indicated that I did not care.
I suppose I can see her perspective.
This is however, the 2nd time that this dog has required a bowel
resection due to eating things that he shouldn’t (i.e. tennis balls, chicken
bones…) I am certain that given the cost of his surgery, he should be okay. All
I can say at this stage is that I hope he sticks to Eukanuba from now on. His
odd eating habits are costing my mom a small fortune!
But this instance brought to light a
very important realization. The man that I am today handles things in a very
different way. I listen to the problem or issue, I process it and then decide
how I am going to feel about it. At that point, I will decide how to deal with
it, fix it or ignore it if it is outside my power to do anything whatsoever. Is
it bad that I more often than not, choose to not feel anything?
Mentally I figure that it does me no
good to fret and worry about things. I really have no power over anything
unless it pertains to things going on here – at my temporary ‘home’. I have no
desire to argue, debate or be upset about things that are beyond my control.
What’s the point? If I disagree with something or someone, I find that today, I
am embracing my thinking voice more and more. Silence is key for me and I have
learned that I have to handle things in my own way for the time being.
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