‘The discontinuation of a quest’

Monday, December 16, 2013

As crazy as it may sound, I have always had that gene inside of myself telling me that having a boyfriend, or being in a relationship, was a sign of accomplishment. I always believed that it would equate to happiness or status. Whatever the case, it was certainly ridiculous in my head. 

I watch these men in here go out of their minds with their relationship issues and then, I look at myself. Why would I want to allow somebody outside of this place have any control over my emotions when dealing with this environment is already challenging enough? I have been completely illogical for far too long. When I sit and think about it, in its entirety, what does it really mean to be in a relationship with someone in prison? There is no sex, no intimacy, no sharing of everyday experiences. The concept is so astounding to me because it is completely psychological.

We, as inmates, get to say that we are in a ‘relationship’ and in that, we are also saying that somebody outside these walls, cares about us. It’s almost like a status symbol in here to be able to say that we have someone outside of here, who is unrelated, that loves us.

I hate that I feel like I need someone in my life because I don’t. I have the most amazing friends and family. I’m so much less stressed when I am not trying to find that connection with someone anyway. Most importantly, though I am only lying to myself. My standards are impossible to meet for men outside these walls – Why in the world would I think that I could ever meet someone whilst still serving out my sentence?

UGH. I’m done.

Where is this coming from? It stems from a compilation of things. It is primarily due to the fact that I am lonely. But I confuse the loneliness with wanting a relationship – and it’s not really about that at all. It is so much bigger that a relationship with another person.

I am tired of living around people that I have absolutely nothing in common with, who have a complete lack of communication skills. I rarely have a conversation with someone in here without having to dumb myself down. When I do that, the overall perception is that I am intentionally making people feel stupid and that I must think I am better than they are.

I am better that they are though…. Right? Maybe I am not? Maybe I am a total loser? After all, I am in orange. I am a convicted felon – and despite the fact that my crime was an accident, I am classified as a murderer. Wow.  That pretty much sounds like a loser to me.  Again….lying to myself. The fact that I have support and love from family and friends says that I am lucky, nothing more really. That in mind, I think the whole loneliness thing is exactly what we are supposed to be feeling in prison. 

Exile, alienation and all that… we just experience it in very different ways. Think about this; how long can a psychiatrist study and live among their patients before they go a little crazy themselves?

I don’t know. Perhaps I am having an epiphany, but its how I am feeling currently.