Phone calls with Mom; "Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I called the house this morning to speak with my mother. She had been asleep since 3:00 AM because her shift at the hospital ended at 2:00 AM. She has really picked up the pace as far as work goes and, if you were not already aware, her normal work week is about 90 hours. Picking up the pace from that – is crazy. One thing for sure, is that she is what we all refer to as a “go getter”. She is someone who is always doing what she needs to do, to accomplish her goals.

I am incredibly proud of her, but that does not make up for the fact that it kills me that I cannot be there to help her. I wish that I could be contributing in some way because she alone has to do everything. It is all on her and it’s a lot. She takes it with ease and we communicate about everything. I know that if it bothers me though, then it must bother her too.

What upsets me though is that she has no life really. If she is not at work, then she is visiting her only child at a state prison. Occasionally she will go to the mall for some retail therapy. It is after all, a cathartic experience - even if she doesn’t go to many places to wear what she purchases.

It occurred to me that neither of us are very happy with too much in our lives. We both work simply to remain busy and to keep our minds off the reality we face once we lay our heads down to rest. I am working 5, twelve hour days a week now. I do this not for the paycheck, but because it gives me a sense of purpose and so that I am not reminded of the fact that I am in prison all day long.

My mother works even more because she is not happy with her life in Arizona. She will not leave however until I am released from prison. The only happiness she gets is being back in Boston visiting with Joe, or hanging out with my aunt Deb one evening every other week or so. Once again, I am forced to remember that all of this – is my fault. It’s all a domino effect because of my car accident and there is nothing I can do about it.

I have given up asking, begging and pleading with her to leave. One mistake that I have made, was always telling her everything that goes on behind these walls. She has become incredibly knowledgeable in all things prison and for that reason alone, she will not leave.

It is an incredibly heavy weight for me to carry around. Someone else’s unhappiness can feel like the world sometimes.

Introducing my mom to my pen pals; a huge topic of conversation...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Over the years, I have had many interesting pen pals and a couple of borderline serious relationships. Each of them has been a learning experience and an adventure in their own way. I have however; been very conscientious about keeping my pen pals separate from my friends and family… especially my mom. There is only one exception to this that has had a positive outcome. Joe, who readers of this blog know, is not only my nearest and dearest friend; he was also my very 1^st pen pal in 2007. Since he was the 1^st, I took to confiding in my mom about him. When it came time for Joe and I to finally meet, well, mom wanted to meet him as well. They really hit it off, and since then, have developed quite an extraordinary friendship of their own. A lot of this has to do with the fact that they can have relatable conversation. Whatever the case may be, it works.

In 2008, I became seriously involved with a pen pal. He was a model living in Chicago and we really hit it off… at least on paper and phone.  I genuinely believed that he could be the “one for me”, because he seemed to be perfect in every way. When it came time for him to fly out and visit for a weekend, again, mom wanted to meet him. This amazing and perfect man, turned out to be a total basket case. He all but proposed to me at visitation. He spoke about relocating to Arizona until I was released. Later, he broke down sobbing and losing it in front of my mom. Whoa.
Needless to say, things did not work out all that well.

Since that experience, I have not made much mention of my pen pals, nor have I even begun to entertain the thought of them meeting my mother.  The time has come again for me to decide on this though and I think I am going to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

A man whom I have been writing to, James, has already met Joe and the idea of him now meeting my mother has come up. I decided that I would like for them to meet. Since Joe has already met him and likes him a lot, I am certain that it will be fine. There are also no romantic possibilities lingering between James and I. He is already in a relationship, and I am not his ‘type’, so I think we are safe. Over and above all that though, I genuinely like him very much and he is a good friend.

In addition to James, is my friend Parishot, a really great guy who currently lives in New Delhi. He is going to try and come out to visit in April and I am leaning towards getting him and my mom together. Both of them are world travelled and work in the medical field so I believe they would have a lot of things to talk about. I still have time to decide on this, but my mind is asking; “why not?”

Another successful food visit; "We could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food."

Monday, February 11, 2013

Yesterday’s events went perfectly. It was, by all accounts, the 1^st good day that I have had in some time and the only thing that could have made it better would have been to have had someone special to make love to, have a glass of wine with and to watch the Grammy Awards with. Instead, I opted to sit in my bed with John, down bottles of water and watch the Grammy’s.

Mom, Kevin, Paula and Deb all arrived early with two large coolers of treats. They had been slowly preparing this feast since Friday afternoon. Breakfast was Starbucks coffee with homemade vanilla topping, crepes filled with Nutella and bananas, French toast stuffed with cream cheese, oranges and Grand Marnier, prosciutto cups with mushrooms, eggs and bacon. Lunch was tomato bisque, linguini with clams, mussels and shrimp in a wine sauce, baked tilapia in a pablano chili cream sauce, meatloaf with mashed potatoes mixed with gouda cheese and horseradish. Desert was a pineapple upside down cheesecake, a chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake, and a chocolate-peanut butter crème brulee’ cheesecake - all from the Cheesecake Factory.

The food was amazing and John and I grazed on everything throughout the entire day. By the time 4:00 PM came around, we could practically not breath, we had consumed so much food. It was well worth it!

I actually slept in this morning, perhaps a foodie hangover, so I got up around 7:00 AM. I’m off of work today which is great. I think we can both use a day to recover! The only plan I have today is to get a workout in at some point before day’s end.

President's Day was a violent one; "If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down."

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I got up yesterday focused on having a great day. I had to write to a new friend Paul, who another inmate is desperately trying to hook me up with. After that, my plan was to work out, call home and then relax.

The morning was great, but as I went outside around noon, a white inmate was jumped, right in front of me. I kept walking toward the phones. Some guys got him up, and brought him inside. As I got to the phones, two more white inmates were also jumped. I proceeded to call my mom and check in. If these assaults were discovered, we would surely be locked down.

Halfway through my phone call with mom, John rushed over and asked me if I would look at the injuries to one of the white inmate’s head to see if it would require stitches. I ended the call and went to examine the injury. I looked at his head carefully and then informed them that, in my opinion, it would require staples. (I later learned that the medics apparently used super glue instead.)

Realizing that the yard was running on Normal Operations, I decided to go ahead with my work out. The afternoon, at least my afternoon, was really very nice. That cannot be said for everyone.

I am back to work today, which is good. This week is really short. I will only work Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Piece of cake! The best news is that Joe will be here from Boston to spend the entire weekend with me.

That alone, makes my entire month. I can’t wait!

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/prison-conditions-a-collection-of-images/

A chance encounter that I cannot stop thinking about

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Normally when I am at visitation, I am in my own little world as far as prison goes and I am focused on my conversation with my visitors. Because I have been in prison for so long however, I am always aware of my surroundings.

This past Sunday, I was sitting with Kevin but continued to make eye contact with a very cute guy who was visiting with another inmate. I have seen him many times before. On that day however, our eye contact escalated and out of nowhere, he mentions my name aloud, but in question form. Our eyes locked, and he motioned for me to meet him by a wall in the area.

All he says to me is; “Nice blog”, then smiles and returns to go about his visit. I relayed the comment to Kevin and he laughed. My mind began to swim in thought. I finally worked up some much needed courage to approach him again. I told him that if he is aware of my blog, then he should get in touch with me sometime. He said that he definitely would – but time will tell…

The days really go by so much easier when you have things to look forward to.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

This month will be really great for me. On top of the fact that my football team will be in the Superbowl today, I have a lot of things to look forward to.

My best friend in the world, Joe, will be here from Boston on the 23^rd and 24^th. Our friend Aiden, will be here on the 26^th but he will only be visiting with my mom. Still, I am oddly happy about that. We have food visit on Sunday the 10^th so Mom, and the rest of the ‘Fam Bam’ will be here with al of my favorite foods to feed me. That is always a good time.

There are also a couple of really interesting guys who have reached out to me whom I have responded to. I am waiting to hear back from them. The most intriguing is a guy named Rich who is originally from Boston but currently living in Las Vegas.

Yes, this should be a really wonderful month!

FOOD VISIT!!!!!!

Keeping the displaced aggression in check; "When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. "

Monday, January 28, 2013

Toward the end of last week, it became clear to me that I was losing my composure. I mean, I do my best to everyday with a smile on my face, I find myself repeating a line that Anne Bancroft (one of my favorite actresses) used to say; “I never did mind about the little things…”  Problem is, without realizing it, all those little things have built up – hidden inside of me somewhere. When it all explodes, it’s typically from a ridiculous trigger. In my case, I cannot tell you what my recent trigger was. It happened so fast.

There was nothing physical or violent; simply mental and in turn, emotional. Once I was doen with my verbal tirade, I simply shut down. That in mind, I have been incredibly antisocial since Thursday. Mom and Kevin were here yesterday and they could tell I was not in the best space mentally. Ironically, Mom had already spoken to my friend Joe and was aware that I was not doing well. Rather than asking what was going on, she simply said that she and Joe wanted me to try and stay positive and to manage my temper.

There is no doubt – that was the icing on the cake.

Here’s the deal. I know that my friends and family love me and always want the best for me. Sometimes I think I have over-shared about this experience with them. In this circumstance, I most definitely had.

Up until yesterday, we had been on a complete lockdown for 10 days. Since the 1^st of the year, we have had deaths, serious assaults, overdoses etc. It is expected that all of these things will happen in prison, but lately, it has been happening at an overwhelming rate. I have no problem being locked down when I am alone. But when I am surrounded by 36 idiots who are running around high and acting stupid, and who also have incredibly bad hygiene….  Well, it’s not exactly pleasant. Halfway through our lockdown, all of our toilets broke down. On top of that, our ventilation system failed so we had no air circulation (in fact, we still don’t…) Needless to say, the aroma in my run is an assault to the senses.

Strangely, I found myself apologizing to myself before my meltdown, but I had to let it all out. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish my friends and family understood more? You betcha. But it doesn’t make any of this any easier. It’s something that I have to deal with. After all, it’s my fault that I am here in the first place.

 

Sundays with mom and Kevin

Monday, January 14, 2013

I begrudgingly went to visitation this past Sunday. It was not because I didn’t want to see my mom, but rather, because I was feeling poorly. It was one of those situations where you have to continuously lie to yourself about feeling better and, by the end of the day, you are almost lifeless. Overall, the day went well and I was glad to see mom. I will not see her for a couple of weeks because of her work schedule. Kevin and I were unusually impatient with each other. I think it was a combination of the fact that I did not feel well and that he was tired. We also chose to talk about cars and both of us believe that we know everything there is to know on that subject. Needless to say, it is not a good topic for us to discuss. It usually ends up in a heated debate.

Surpise visit recap; "Truthfully, it was like meeting a very good friend."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Meeting with Marc on Saturday was a very good change of pace.

The visit overall went very well. Marc however, was very eager to discuss our relationship and all the complexities that might come along with it. I must admit, that eagerness was too much, too fast for me to understand. I was completely caught off guard. On top of that, I was conflicted myself when it came to a level of attraction. We are both good looking guys, but I was not certain if there was that energy, that spark between us. Truthfully, it was like meeting a very good friend. I must acknowledge and accept that reality. He is a great guy, and I certainly would like to continue corresponding with him.

It was a genuine pleasure to have met him finally face to face.

Have you ever called a friend with a specific purpose and then realized after the call ended, that you never brought it up?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I went outside as soon as the doors opened this morning so I could call Joe. I needed to talk to him to check in. I also wanted to give him the rundown on Marc and hear his thoughts on the matter. Everyone else’s opinion is great, but I happen to take Joe’s more seriously because he simply knows me and is one of the very few people who can call ‘bullshit’ on me without me becoming defensive.

Anyway, somehow I got caught up in hearing the detailed events of his New Years Eve, and completely forgot to ask for his thoughts on Marc’s planned visit. I will have to call him back tomorrow.

Damn.

New Years Day; "I hate surprises!"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

As I am opening my mail from yesterday, I am reading a letter from my friend Marc. Something caught my eye about Saturday January 5^th and quarters. I quickly went back and started the sentence all over again. I realized that he was telling me that he had made reservations and will be flying out tovisit me on Saturday. I immediately began to panic because I was not prepared and do not like surprises. This was about an hour ago now so I have calmed down since. But things are still circling around in my head.

Marc is a great guy who is attending a prestigious military academy. Our communication is great and I look forward to meeting him face to face. It will be our first meeting though and those are always awkward. At this point, all I can do is sit back and see how it goes. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that everything will be okay, but still, it will be awkward.

End of the year maintenance; "I definitely need to do some man-scaping."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Since there is no work today, I will try to get caught up on some mail and then workout as normal. I definitely need to do some man-scaping as well.

I spoke with mom on the phone this morning and she sounded great. I will see her on Sunday and Monday for a special New Year’s Eve visit. She is just happy that she is off for a few days. I can completely understand because she is averaging 90-100 hours a pay period!

A thought provoking visit with mom; "It was a reality check for both of us."

Monday, December 24, 2012, Christmas Eve morning

My visit with mom yesterday was good. We actually talked about the blog a lot and she began to ask if I would consider writing a book. I informed her that if I quit my job, then I could dedicate myself to that, but that I had no idea who would want to read a book about this stuff. But then again, I do realize that there is a genuine interest of what really goes on in here, so maybe I should think more seriously about it. (If any of you have any thoughts or comments on this prospect, please feel free to share them…)

As usual, mom asked me if I still loved Marc, my ex. I told her that I do not love him anymore but that I will always care for him. He was, and is, the only man that I have ever truly been ‘in love’ with, so he will always play a role within my thoughts.  There is no escaping that simple fact. If I could take back things from that time; things I did, things I didn’t do, then I would. Mom however, has always loved Marc and until I meet someone else in the future, she will continue to always revert back to him. I have grown to accept it for what it is.

As I was sitting across from her though, I came to a very real and visceral awareness. I suddenly became very aware that my mom is no longer that alive, energetic and vivacious 51 year old woman that I left behind when I came to prison. It is quite possible that because I see her so often, I simply have not noticed or taken the time to really see her. Yesterday however, I truly saw her. I’ll candidly admit, it scared me a little. The years have changed us both and as much as we both would like to stop time, we cannot.  In any case, it was a reality check for both of us. That realization was a tough pill to swallow. When I came back to my dorm, I headed to the bathroom to once again look in the mirror. The reflection was that of a 32 year old man. I gave him a nod and went back to my cubicle.

Holiday Shopping; My Black Friday

Friday, December 7, 2012

Because it is Friday, I should head over to the Inmate store and do some shopping. Because it’s the holidays, I can spend twice my limit and that is awesome. I spent $160 last week, but 50% of that went toward holiday cards and postage. I also picked up a new set of earbud headphones ($15) and spent $30 on hygiene products. Oh well. I will try to be calculated in my purchases today.

John and I are going to ‘stay in’ tonight and watch “The Town”, a great film that was actually filmed in Boston. Other than that, my weekend will be boring. Mom will be here on Sunday with Kevin in tow. It will be good to get off the yard for a little while.

So many visits, so much time; "Visitation is great because we inmates get a break."

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I am sitting here in my proverbial Sunday best orange visit clothes. I have showered, shaved etc. Kevin is visiting today alone which is a good thing. Mom is on a long stretch of night shifts so I will not see her until next week. On the plus side, I will be off the yard today and away from the madness.

Visitation is great because we inmates get a break. Everyone, for the most part, gets to be themselves. We don’t have to walk around and pretend that we are HARD or like we have a chip on our shoulder. I can’t even count how many visits I have gotten but I would say it’s around 500 now. It’s crazy to think about. Mom and Kevin have always been so great in that sense. They are always front and center. I am one of the lucky ones.

There are days though that it would be nice to have other people or friends in my life to visit.  It is not always convenient though and I suspect some are simply afraid of actually coming to a prison. I can’t really blame them. The entire experience can be very intimidating – especially if it might be their the first time. That considered, I will take what I can get.

Mom's version of OZ; "It is her own personal soap opera."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Mom was out yesterday and we had a good visit. By the time she left at 4:00 PM though, I was exhausted. We had a lot to talk about and so we just chilled and let the conversation flow. It is interesting just how much she loves to hear about everything going on in here. It’s as if it is her own personal soap opera, in which her son, is the lead character actor within it. The fact that she has been able to meet some of the other “actors” face-to-face at visitation helps her too. But she never tires of the stories.

Perhaps I wouldn’t either if I did not have to live with it 24/7.

The weather was nice though, so we spent a lot of time outside. I did eat way too much  though. Oh well. It was both of our last days off. She is back at the hospital for the next 8 days straight and I am back to the office as well.

Such is life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oz_(TV_series)

Someone Special; "For some reason, I had a really lonely week."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

The past couple of days I have done everything in my power to stay active and busy even if it meant working out twice. For some reason, I had a really lonely week and had an incredible craving for someone special in my life. To keep my mind off of that, I did whatever I could. Thankfully, I am good now. Sometimes I have moments like that, but they go away eventually. I also have to keep reminding myself that I am actually doing pretty darn good, all things considered.

There are many instances where I question how some inmates become involved with the people who they see at visit. While I may have higher standards than most, I do feel for some of the men and women who visit inmates. I know that so many of the men here that they visit are simply using them and are also receiving visits from other people who they are involved with. No one speaks of it, but we inmates all know the real deal.

Privileges; "It is all based upon behavior, education, work etc."

Saturday, November 3, 2012

It has been a few days since I have written and I hope whomever is reading and following me, is doing well and in good spirits. I especially hope that all of who have been impacted by Super Storm Sandy are hanging in there. My heart goes out to all of you and your families. If I could be there to help, I would.

The week for me has been hectic. Unfortunately it is not over because I actually have to work today. Administration has tasked John and I to take all of the family/inmate photographs during the special “Food Visit” this weekend. Today is scheduled to be for all of the inmates who live on the red side of the yard. Tomorrow is for all of those who live on my side, the blue. Food Visits are a designated special occasion, where inmate friends and family are allowed to bring prepared meals into the facility for the inmates. It will be incredibly busy and I hope it goes by quickly.

“Food Visits” are a privilege allowed to all inmates who are classified as a Phase III. To help you understand what this means, inmates are essentially divided up into three phases. It is all based upon behavior, education, work etc.. I will try to give a detailed explanation of what each phase is, and the privileges allowed for the respective phases.

PHASE I – All inmates entering into the prison system are classified as a Phase I for a year. They have to earn an increase in phase.

Privileges:

·       $40.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       4 hours visitation per week

·       1 phone call per day

·       Only eligible for unskilled work positions at $.10 an hour

·       Must live on the top bunk of a bed space

PHASE II – Inmates who have been disciplinary free for one year and who have completed all mandatory education needs will advance into this phase

·       $60.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       8 hours visitation per week

·       2 phone call per day

·       Eligible for all work positions, but capped at $.30 an hour

·       Can live on the lower bunk of a bed space

PHASE III – Inmates who have been disciplinary free for two years, have a high school diploma or GED certificate on file, have maintained the same job for at least one year and have completed all programs; Anger Management, AA, Cultural Diversity, Cognitive Thinking etc..

·       $80.00 spending limit per week at the inmate store

·       16 hours visitation per week

·       Unlimited phone calls per week

·       Eligible for all work positions, but capped at $.45 an hour , but can work up to 80 hours

·       4 Food Visits per year

·       Allowed personal cubicle to live in alone

·       Can participate in fundraising restorative justice programs

If an inmate receives a minor disciplinary infraction, they can still maintain their phase however any major infraction will force an inmate’s phase to be dropped down at least one level. Any inmate who tests positive for drugs during a random urine analysis,  will automatically be dropped down to a Phase I. In case you are curious, I am a Phase III.

I have no real way of gauging how many Phase IIIs there are statewide, but for reference, there are 1200 inmates at this facility, and as of yesterday, there were only 127 Phase IIIs on the yard. So there are not that many of us.

The Pleasure of a Good Phone Call; "Phone calls are not cheap."

Monday, October 29, 2012

My day yesterday was spent watching football and calling friends on the phone. I spoke with Joe twice and could tell that he has a lot on his mind. It pains me that we will not have a lot of one-on-one time next weekend when he flies out. There will be too many people here at that visit and I will have to juggle the conversations accordingly.

I spoke with my friend Cliff, in DC and as always, it was bittersweet. Talking to him is like a breath of fresh air because I could easily see myself in a relationship with him. The man is funny, articulate, driven, caring, kind, adventurous and well, very handsome. He is however, in a relationship. I believe he may not be truly happy, but I choose to not say anything about that. I listen to him and try to be there for him as best as I can. Hopefully, I will see him sometime soon.

My attempts to call Marc in Annapolis failed. It was the biggest downer of the day because I was looking forward to speaking with him. I will try again sometime this week if I can fit it into my budget.

Phone calls are not cheap. I pay $10.00 for (1) 15 minute call to Joe in Boston. Thankfully, he pays for the calls but I call about two or three times a week, and it adds up quickly. When I call a local number, it is only $1.20 so there is a huge difference.

At the moment, I am completely broke so I will have to wait a week or two before putting money on my phone account. As it stands now, I will be over-drawn by $30.00 come Wednesday. Funny how those financial issues do not go away – even in prison. I do not complain though because Lord knows there are many people in much worse situations than I am. I will get paid my measly $26.00 on Friday and then only overdrawn by $4.00 then, so that is good. J I have already done my food shopping , stocked up on postage and with that, I should be okay.

The lights just came on and the dorm was placed on standby for breakfast. I need to shave and shower, so wish me a good day.

Moderators Post Note:

Sign the petition to end predatory prison phone rates here:

 

http://www.takepart.com/middleofnowhere

Visitation; "we (inmates) go through a pretty dramatic transformation as we step over that threshold to visitation."

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Spending the day up at visitation with mom all day yesterday was nice. We ran the full gamut in conversation but we both unconsciously decided to stay away from the ‘hot button’ topics that we currently have. I think it was for the best, because we were essentially drama free for the entire day.

For me, simply being off of the yard and up at visitation was a nice change. I used to go to visitation every weekend without fail. Slowly though, things have changed and it is not exactly for the worst. On my end, I have really been focusing on getting my shit together and deciding how I am going to live the best possible life I can post-release.

In the past few years, I have been so involved in trying to help mom and Kevin that I have been taking their problems on as my own. It was not healthy. I have learned that I need to disassociate from their issues in a healthy way. Nonetheless, it was simply just nice to be away from the yard and to see my mom.

You may not be able to imagine this, but we (inmates) go through a pretty dramatic transformation as we step over that threshold to visitation.  When people come to visit me, they get to also see another 3-5% of the inmate population who also get visitors. They are also get to see them, on their very best behavior. Everything about them changes; the way they stand, sit, shake hands, and speak. They are almost an entirely different people than the ones I see on the yard.

When it comes time for us to return to the yard, it is as though we immediately adopt an anti social ‘don’t fuck with me’ behavior. All of the hugs, the smiles and family introductions we have all just shared, completely disappear. It really is very disturbing on many levels.

My vacation is officially over as of tomorrow and so, it is back to work I go. I have really enjoyed being able to take things easy, to write to pen pals, to blog and to work out. There is something to be said about the benefits to a vacation, even inside a prison.