A lot of people wonder about these particular topics when it comes
to me and I have always had difficulty being clear about them. I
think it’s time that I share my thoughts and beliefs once and for all. So as
not to confuse my readers, I am going to break them down into specific segments.
It is no secret that I am a gay man. In fact, I’d say I am
very secure and confident with my sexual orientation. So much so, in fact, that I
tend to not give it much thought and feel as
if it doesn’t really add to how I identify with myself. I am attracted to men though and beyond just
the physical, I am drawn to strong, confident; masculine and driven men. He
should be thought provoking, challenging but also, understanding and
compassionate. He should also have a great sense of humor and the ability to
laugh at himself.
Over the years, I
had many pen pals from all different walks of life. There have been so many men
I have lost count and only (1) that stuck with me from the beginning. (He has not been in the ‘pen pal’ category for
years now...) They come in and out of my life much like tissue paper. Though
they are all intrinsically different, many of them share a common thread:
loneliness. Through their own words, I learn that there is clearly something
missing in their lives and those who do share their loneliness - somehow feel I
will fix or fill that emptiness. It can sometimes turn out to be a
rollercoaster of emotion. In a few cases, they end up developing feelings for
me and wanting something more serious. I say ‘okay’ and in about 6 months, they
fall off. At this point, it has happened so many times that I can count on it
and can almost perfectly predict when things will end.
I still write and
communicate but I have become jaded and now, I have no ending expectations.
It’s okay. I have accepted it and I am really better off looking at things that
way. Who knows? Maybe I am helping these guys move on in some way?
I have only been in one long term relationship. It
was with a good guy that I loved very much. The problem was that I didn’t love
myself at that time and was living my life for all the wrong reasons. We both
made mistakes. I will love him forever because if not for the experiences I had
with him, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.
My present outlook on relationships is good but I am leery at the
same time. I do believe that two men can be in a monogamous and committed
relationship but there has to be genuine sexual fulfillment. Men are visual and
primal. As much as I hate to say this, we should do our best to maintain
ourselves physically. Sexual appetites should be discussed and established as
should any particular interests. My mom used to tell me; “what one person won’t
do, another will.” I think it’s true. If you are unwilling to do something for
your partner, the odds are high that in time, he will find someone who will.
I think that couples need to learn how to argue with each other
about (1) topic at a time. I think they should resist pushing one another’s
buttons and do their best not to go to bed mad at one another.
I have an old soul so I am a big believer in marriage and
commitment to one person. I love the thought of sharing my life with someone and
knowing that they will be there for me, as I will be there for them. I used to believe
that I needed a relationship to feel ‘complete’ or successful in life. That has
changed now. All I had to do was learn who I was. I learned that there is a big
difference between needing and wanting something.
Funny that I learned that in prison.
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