New Years Day; "I hate surprises!"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

As I am opening my mail from yesterday, I am reading a letter from my friend Marc. Something caught my eye about Saturday January 5^th and quarters. I quickly went back and started the sentence all over again. I realized that he was telling me that he had made reservations and will be flying out tovisit me on Saturday. I immediately began to panic because I was not prepared and do not like surprises. This was about an hour ago now so I have calmed down since. But things are still circling around in my head.

Marc is a great guy who is attending a prestigious military academy. Our communication is great and I look forward to meeting him face to face. It will be our first meeting though and those are always awkward. At this point, all I can do is sit back and see how it goes. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that everything will be okay, but still, it will be awkward.

Another year has come to an end; "Tomorrow, I will be able to officially say that I only have 5 years left"

Monday, December 31, 2012

I woke up this morning with a great sense of peace over me. Come tomorrow, I will be able to officially say that I only have 5 years left to go on my sentence. To many of you, the thought of spending 5 years in prison would be unbelievable, but for myself and many others, it is not much. Mentally, I have been waiting to hit that marker for a long time. In prison, anyone doing 5 years or less is considered ‘short time’. For me, the only downside is that It is a true reminder that I have been in this place now for 11 years. I validate it by telling myself that I have survived it though and that I will continue on as best as I can.

I can’t believe it’s 2013.

We are supposed to work today but I am not going in until this afternoon. I have a lot of cooking to do for the fellas for the New Year. John will hold things down at the office and if an issue arises, then they will call for me. Hopefully they don’t because I’m really looking forward to taking it easy, spending the day in my sweats, cooking and listening to music. It is so cathartic for me. I am officially off tomorrow, Thursday and Friday. I only have to go in Wednesday to get payroll done for the inmate workers on the yard. Essentially I just make sure that everyone signs their pay and verifies the hours worked. I can get that done in about 4 hours, so that is not too bad.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like 2013 will actually be an okay year for me.

Time stops for no one; "Looking ahead is really all I can do now.."

Monday, December 24, 2012

Things have been okay for the past couple of days. It very well could be the calm before the storm, but perhaps not. I am hoping that not too many attempt making ‘hooch’ (prison alcohol) for New Year’s Eve. That whole thing typically turns out badly. All I can do is wait and see. As you can imagine, an environment filled with drunken, testosterone storming inmates, especially those who have brains the size of a fruit fly… is not a good thing. Most of us end up running for cover.

It’s hard for me to believe that 2013 is almost here. It’s bittersweet to know that I have chipped away so many years of this sentence. Looking back is not easy because it’s insane when I consider all that I have been through. Looking ahead is really all I can do now. I have basically five years left on my sentence but I can still vividly remember day 1 of it. I doubt I will ever forget it. I know that I should feel lucky for having made it this far, but I do not. I truly feel that it has nothing to do with luck. It has everything to do with how successful one can be at adapting and playing the ‘game’.

Then I will look over the wall and see John. I try to imagine being in his shoes. How would I feel having a release date of 2038?

I wonder how I would handle that?

A thought provoking visit with mom; "It was a reality check for both of us."

Monday, December 24, 2012, Christmas Eve morning

My visit with mom yesterday was good. We actually talked about the blog a lot and she began to ask if I would consider writing a book. I informed her that if I quit my job, then I could dedicate myself to that, but that I had no idea who would want to read a book about this stuff. But then again, I do realize that there is a genuine interest of what really goes on in here, so maybe I should think more seriously about it. (If any of you have any thoughts or comments on this prospect, please feel free to share them…)

As usual, mom asked me if I still loved Marc, my ex. I told her that I do not love him anymore but that I will always care for him. He was, and is, the only man that I have ever truly been ‘in love’ with, so he will always play a role within my thoughts.  There is no escaping that simple fact. If I could take back things from that time; things I did, things I didn’t do, then I would. Mom however, has always loved Marc and until I meet someone else in the future, she will continue to always revert back to him. I have grown to accept it for what it is.

As I was sitting across from her though, I came to a very real and visceral awareness. I suddenly became very aware that my mom is no longer that alive, energetic and vivacious 51 year old woman that I left behind when I came to prison. It is quite possible that because I see her so often, I simply have not noticed or taken the time to really see her. Yesterday however, I truly saw her. I’ll candidly admit, it scared me a little. The years have changed us both and as much as we both would like to stop time, we cannot.  In any case, it was a reality check for both of us. That realization was a tough pill to swallow. When I came back to my dorm, I headed to the bathroom to once again look in the mirror. The reflection was that of a 32 year old man. I gave him a nod and went back to my cubicle.

My Thanksgiving; "The day has been bittersweet."

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The day has been bittersweet. Food Visit was amazing because the people I love most were all together and here with me. We ate great food, had good conversation and also enjoyed one another’s company. A part of me was upset of course, that I did not have more time one-on-one with particular people, but it was good to be all together nonetheless.

Throughout the day, I had to take care of random issues for work and other inmates, which was not good. Oddly enough though, I think it was interesting for my family to actually see that I am continuously pulled in multiple directions for work. I really just wanted to sit down and relax, but there was so much going on.

Tonight, I am going to watch some TV and reflect. I have some serious shit to think about and I need to make sense of it. I have to work 12 hours tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that at all. On a positive note, I will be off for a week come next Tuesday.