My visit with mom yesterday was good. We actually talked about the blog a lot and she began to ask if I would consider writing a book. I informed her that if I quit my job, then I could dedicate myself to that, but that I had no idea who would want to read a book about this stuff. But then again, I do realize that there is a genuine interest of what really goes on in here, so maybe I should think more seriously about it. (If any of you have any thoughts or comments on this prospect, please feel free to share them…)As usual, mom asked me if I still loved Marc, my ex. I told her that I do not love him anymore but that I will always care for him. He was, and is, the only man that I have ever truly been ‘in love’ with, so he will always play a role within my thoughts. There is no escaping that simple fact. If I could take back things from that time; things I did, things I didn’t do, then I would. Mom however, has always loved Marc and until I meet someone else in the future, she will continue to always revert back to him. I have grown to accept it for what it is.
As I was sitting across from her though, I came to a very real and visceral awareness. I suddenly became very aware that my mom is no longer that alive, energetic and vivacious 51 year old woman that I left behind when I came to prison. It is quite possible that because I see her so often, I simply have not noticed or taken the time to really see her. Yesterday however, I truly saw her. I’ll candidly admit, it scared me a little. The years have changed us both and as much as we both would like to stop time, we cannot. In any case, it was a reality check for both of us. That realization was a tough pill to swallow. When I came back to my dorm, I headed to the bathroom to once again look in the mirror. The reflection was that of a 32 year old man. I gave him a nod and went back to my cubicle.