Wednesday, November 21, 2012

I am very tired of being here; "I can’t even begin to make sense of it all."

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It is 3:00 AM and I cannot sleep. This is not unusual for me because overall, I sleep less and less these days. I can’t put my finger on why that is exactly but I have accepted it. Lately I have been looking at my surroundings with the eye of a caged animal. The brick and mortar is mundane, with the color near that of a psych ward. I miss grass, and trees, and most of all, water. All I have to look at is sand, gravel and fencing. The miles and miles of barbed wire doesn’t help much either. Sometimes I will stare outside my window at the highway and watch the cars speeding by. I wonder if the people in those cars ever give a single thought to the men living here. I know I didn’t. ironic, but I remember once driving past this place on my way to San Diego to visit a guy I was seeing. I remember seeing a glimpse of orange and now, I have become that glimpse to someone else.
There is no doubt that I am very tired of being here. The hard part is knowing why I am here and then accepting it, while all the while knowing that I shouldn’t be here. I can’t even begin to make sense of it all.

What I do know is that another day is here whether I like it or not. I have to work today. I have to go shopping at the store because I need food. I have to work out. I have to do these things in order to keep moving forward. Deep down inside though, I don’t want to do anything. I want to crawl back into bed, close my eyes and go far, far away.

Unfortunately, the only person I know that has actually worked for was Dorothy.

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