I’m dragging my ass this morning. It’s 4:00 AM and since I have been able to sleep in for the past 10 days of vacation, my internal clock is not pleased with the fact that I am awake. As everyone knows, this is completely normal. As I write, I have a cup of coffee by my side and the beautiful people on Univision’s ‘Despeierta America’ http://videos.univision.com/shows/despierta-america are telling me about what’s going on in the world.I ended up accomplishing a lot yesterday. I had a hard work out, switched out my summer clothes for the winter ones since the temperatures have dropped, cooked dinner for friends, masturbated twice and caught up with my various pen pals. As I have stated before, my pen pals serve up a much needed distraction. Some are more permanent than others and so, I have various levels of relationships with all of them. Only one at the moment, Mark, is actively pursuing me. While that is fine, I have to be realistic. We have never met and I am eleven years older than him. He is very mature, but I do not believe that he understands all that he would be signing up for so I am the one responsible for hitting the breaks. Do I like him? Yes. I like him very much. But like anyone is interacting with a few people, I am compelled to be drawn to some more than others. I take it all one day at a time though, because in truth, I doubt any of them would seriously be able to handle being in a relationship with someone in prison, let alone me!
I can be analytical, stubborn, and incorrigible at times even. When the romance door is open, I have a habit of going 0-100 mph in a very short time. I have really been trying not to do that because all it does is send me through an emotional roller coaster. I deal with that enough just be being in prison so to go through that with someone beyond these walls as well, would be crazy. I’m not suggesting that a true romance with an inmate in impossible. It is. I’ve seen relationships work. I simply do not know if it would work for me. I cannot lie though; I wish that it would.I have really no idea what today will bring as far as work goes. I am positive we will be busy and that it will be intwined with ramblings of my boss’ trip to San Francisco. Those stories will be bittersweet because I always think of San Francisco as my original city. I refer to Boston as my new city.
Funny, I am a very visual person and when I speak to people about San Francisco, I know the streets like the back of my hand. I know the best dive restaurants, bars, shops etc.. I can easily get caught up in all of it and then, the realization that I live in this place instead, hits me like a ton of bricks. I hate that. For that reason, I tend to not talk about places that I have lived or have been to.When I speak of Boston though, it’s totally different because I have never lived or been there. But I plan on making it my home upon release. When I talk about Boston, or look at all the photos, it gets me excited and gives me a sense of hope, of peace and happiness. I can only assume that because I am in prison, talking about the past, and my life before this, triggers memories and well, it is upsetting. I obviously would much rather think and speak about the future. In that regard, this place is no more. I want so badly for all of this to be behind me. I know that this is my punishment and I do accept it. But there are those of us who will break the law again, and those of us who will not. I fall into the latter. I have most definitely learned my lesson.