Many think that I simply write and package my entries up only to
ship them off to Joe. But John actually reads everything that I write - before
I send it off. I do this for a number of reasons, but mostly because it is
something deeply personal for us to share that no one else here knows about.
Yesterday, for whatever reason, John came over and sat on my bed.
I could tell that he had something to say. I believe his words were; “How come
you go through every day the way that you do? On top of dealing with everything
going on in your life, you take on everyone else’s problems/dramas and then act
as if everything is okay? Does anyone else in your life besides me, know how
lonely and scared you are?”The question felt like a knife slicing into me. I could do nothing but close my eyes and breathe. It was as if he really was seeing David and instinctively I became anxious. No one in my life, not even Joe or my mom, see that side of me. (At least I don’t think they do…) I had nothing to say to John. There were no words. He put his hand on my chest and told me that everything was going to be okay. Then he got up and went back to doing whatever it was before he had come over.
Later on, I asked him why he had said what he had said. He told me
that he reads all of my entries and watches me maneuver through each day. It
had occurred to him that I do an excellent job pretending that I am truly okay,
and that things are “fine”. He also watched as I help everyone else and deal
with problems head on. He knows though, that at the end of each day, when I am
laying in my bed, that things are not okay. He decided to let me know, that he
knows that. Again, I had nothing to say because, well, I know that he is right.
Anyway, it’s just one more reason that we are such good friends.
Time to go to visit.
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