Every night this week, I have had some intensely vivid dreams. The “I Should Not Be Alive” dream has been reoccurring a lot and I don’t exactly know what to make of it. Should I be dead? I don’t know. But I do know that all of us are living on borrowed time. We are all going to die eventually.For me, the dreams I can remember are scary, but only in a seriously psychological sense.
1. I dreamed that I was released from prison and returned to the very same house that I was living in at the time of my accident. I had another white Jeep Grand Cherokee, identical to the one I was in when the accident occurred. I wound up living with my mom, my aunt Jan, and Kevin. I was responsible for taking care of all of them. I had no life, personal or otherwise and barely left the house except for when one of them needed something. I was almost…. not there. It freaked me out. I got in the Jeep with a plan to leave and start anew, but as I came up to the state border between Arizona and California, and began to cross the line, I died.
2. I dreamed that my release date came up. As I stepped over the border from the prison to the outside world, I was struck by a car and died. (I woke up in a sweat from that one...)
3. I dreamed that I was released and went to Boston to live with Joe. Unfortunately, he could not motivate me to do anything. All I could do was sit in his house, clean and watch TV. I would not go outside for anything and I did not know why.
All of these dreams could very well be symbolic of fears that are in my subconscious. But the irony is that I received a letter from Joe in which he relayed a dream he had about me post release as well. In his dream however, I was living with him and had become completely and totally uncontrollable. He dreamed that I had hit the ground running, going a mile a minute constantly trying to make up for lost time. I have no idea what any of these things mean but I do know they are constantly playing in my head.
I also don’t mind admitting that they are all freaking me out.