Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My sanity is at the breaking point; "I can only handle so much."

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
I always know when I reach my mental limit because I turn into a total bitch. Today is one of those days. I remind myself that I am by nature, a go getter. I get this from my mom. If there is something that needs to be done, then I do it. I take care of business. I am also a person who likes to make lists. I make them all the time, mostly because I get to check things off and get a sense of accomplishment. Others around me see that and they have dubbed me the “fixer”. Problem is, I can only handle so much and at time. It becomes exhausting and I want to tell the guys who constantly come to me, to deal with their own shit. Unfortunately, I can’t always do that. It would create ‘haters’ and that’s one thing that  I do not need. I already have enough of them.

We all have problems and I certainly have my own to deal with. Sometimes though, I feel as if no one cares about me, but rather – it’s all about them.
Have you ever spoken to someone and know that they are absolutely not interested in you at all? When they speak to you though, well, they demand your undivided attention, start to finish. That is an everyday occurrence in here, unless I am talking with John. This simply means that 99% of associates and acquaintances here are 100% superficial. So at times like today, I just want to be left alone. Ironically, it is at times like this, that these ridiculous guys need something from me the most. Listening and trying to remain focused on them, quite frankly, hurts my mind. Ugh.

As a way of relaxing, I wrote a few letters. I called and spoke to Cliff for awhile. Instead of getting into things here, I just let him tell me about his thanksgiving plans and it calmed me down a great deal. He also mentioned coming out for a visit for a weekend. I would really love that. We have never actually met face to face. I would love to wrap my arms around him and just spend some time with him. We will see what happens.
I also spoke with Mom and Kevin. Again, I simply let them talk and that brought my tension down even more so. I will see them both on Sunday, which is good.

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