Joe has really been going through a hard time lately. Last time I
spoke to him, there was an evident sadness to his voice because he lost his
cat, Lenny to old age. Last year, he lost his other cat, George (Lenny’s
brother). Those who are pet owners know that animals that you have had for
years, really do become part of the family.
But the past couple of years have not been particularly easy for
Joe. A lifelong friend of his passed away after a rather quick, but painful bout
with cancer. On top of that, Joe has been wrestling with a couple of health
issues and now, his pets are both gone. I feel like I am the one that is supposes to
be there to help and support him with whatever he needs, and it bothers me to no
end that I cannot. Joe is very strong, and stubborn so I know he will be fine.
But that doesn’t help the fact that I wish I could do something for him besides
listen and write.
To those of us in prison who have solid relationships with friends
and family, a level of resentment develops. I'd go as far as to say that it may
even border on jealousy. I was blissfully unaware of this phenomenon until
certain things were thrown in my face with regard to my relationship with my
mom and Kevin. Ironically, it was through Joe that I began to realize it. I
think it is safe to say that he never thought it would happen with him, only it
has, indirectly.
With my mother, it had been just her and I for so long that I had
become the ‘man in her life’. Even as a teen, I would take care of the bills,
the house, the car maintenance etc. I did my best to stay on top of things and
I was a perfectionist at it. I knew who my mom was as a woman, and what was
acceptable.
When Kevin came into the picture, I was happy for her. Over the
years however, I have taken note of the fact that I still feel I know what’s best
for her. With that in mind, I have had difficulty accepting her choice to
accept Kevin’s decisions and advice over my own. It’s been a process but I am
able to see the dynamic clearly now. Still, there are some heavy moments of
resentment and it really stems back to the plain fact that I cannot be there to
help take care of things. It’s completely ridiculous I know, but I will catch
myself saying things like; “If I was
there…” or “You shouldn’t do that,
you should do this…” It is hard to relinquish power or even influence.
With Joe, I have realized that I have developed a resentment
toward a friend of his and my mother’s; Aiden. When something is going wrong in
Joe’s life, Aiden is there to help. Initially, I was happy that he was there.
Over time however, I have grown to feel that it is I who is supposed to be the
one there for him to help. Look, I know this is all so childish…. But sometimes
we all act in childish ways. At least I can admit it and acknowledge it for
what it is. It’s just one more thing to work on…
In the end of this odyssey, when I am released, I will not be able
to swoop in and fix everyone’s problems. I will need to work on me and getting
my life together. Whether I am alone or in a relationship, I will have to
redirect all that energy into other places. Both mom and Joe have made it this
far and have done just fine. It’s time for me to live my life. I really don’t
want to be the “fixer”.
It’s time to find my own purpose. 
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