The past 48 hours have been filled with some serious soul
searching and “me time”. To say that I have been antisocial -would be a gross
understatement.
Yesterday morning, someone that I consider a friend, was seriously
assaulted outside and left there lying alone and bleeding from the head. I was
inside at the time and was completely unaware of what was taking place. As
usual, when staff finally realized what had taken place, we were immediately
placed back on Lock Down status.
As the facts of the event came in, I remained quiet but my anger
and disgust within began to rise and rise. Hearing guys laughing and telling
jokes about it was a tipping point for me. I grabbed my towel and headed to the
shower where I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown. This shit, is NOT
okay.
Over the years, I have certainly become desensitized to many acts
of violence and wrong doings. But it is always different when it is someone you
truly know. There is no place deep enough within my mind to bury that and
ignore it. This event in particular brought a wave of memories of so many things
I have seen and with that, a lingering question that simmers within me; “how is
it that I have gotten to a point where these act have been okay, accepted, and
then ignored?”
Am I mentally weak? Selectively blind? Have I become an advocate
for violence? Am I non-feeling?
Have I become one of “them”?
I have rational explanations for all of these questions to self,
and each of them lead to survival – both mentally and physically. But it’s not
enough. I need to find myself back to me… I’m not lost, but I have been
ignoring too many things simply so that I can be “okay” and continue to move
forward. This behavior is not acceptable to me and only I can change it.
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