Spending the day up at visitation with mom all day yesterday was
nice. We ran the full gamut in conversation but we both unconsciously decided
to stay away from the ‘hot button’ topics that we currently have. I think it was
for the best, because we were essentially drama free for the entire day.
For me, simply being off of the yard and up at visitation was a
nice change. I used to go to visitation every weekend without fail. Slowly
though, things have changed and it is not exactly for the worst. On my end, I
have really been focusing on getting my shit together and deciding how I am
going to live the best possible life I can post-release.
In the past few years, I have been so involved in trying to help
mom and Kevin that I have been taking their problems on as my own. It was not
healthy. I have learned that I need to disassociate from their issues in a
healthy way. Nonetheless, it was simply just nice to be away from the yard and
to see my mom.
You may not be able to imagine this, but we (inmates) go through a
pretty dramatic transformation as we step over that threshold to visitation. When people come to visit me, they get to also
see another 3-5% of the inmate population who also get visitors. They are also
get to see them, on their very best behavior. Everything about them changes;
the way they stand, sit, shake hands, and speak. They are almost an entirely
different people than the ones I see on the yard.
When it comes time for us to return to the yard, it is as though
we immediately adopt an anti social ‘don’t fuck with me’ behavior. All of the
hugs, the smiles and family introductions we have all just shared, completely
disappear. It really is very disturbing on many levels.
My vacation is officially over as of tomorrow and so, it is back
to work I go. I have really enjoyed being able to take things easy, to write to
pen pals, to blog and to work out. There is something to be said about the
benefits to a vacation, even inside a prison.
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