I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. For whatever reason, a lot of guys yesterday continued to ask me for things. They needed to borrow food, needed help with legal work or a mixture of other things. I became overwhelmed and my friend, John, could see it. Out of nowhere, he told me to stop and sat me down. He said that I was always doing things for people and that I needed to take a break. He suggested that I was somehow trying to make amends for what I had done and that I had to find a balance. I had no comment because in a way, he is 100% right.There is no denying the fact that every single day, I remember how my actions took the lives of other people too early. Today, I try to be the best version of David that I can be. I try to help everyone I can, to listen and to offer sound advice. I am in a sense, living amends. I forget about myself though and when I focus on me, well, I feel guilty. So how do I find a healthy balance between the two while I am here in prison?
Obviously I want to be happy and healthy. Do I deserve that? Sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t know if I deserve my family, friends and their love and support. It is a very difficult topic but one that I certainly wrestle with regularly. The fact that a friend in here, could see what I was doing, was eye opening though. Perhaps he does the same thing as well and I have simply not picked up on it.The life that I do have left, I absolutely want to make the best of it. I want to help people and be a good person, friend and maybe one day, a good partner to someone. I have to live amends because it allows me to believe that I am making up for my actions in the past. I don’t know if that is right, but it is what I feel.