"Masks"

Monday, September 24, 2012

The weekend festivities went as planned I suppose, I did not get any relaxation time because I was cooking. It became apparent to me that when I was not doing something and would sit down, my thoughts were depressing, sad even. How many people do you think wear ‘masks’ throughout their basic everyday life? I am not suggesting this during specific times such as a funeral when we are supposed to be strong and stoic; I mean every day.  I am someone that does that. I realized that I am always the positive one. I always have a smile on my face and go about my days with an attitude that this is all ‘ok’ and I am living a normal life.

The truth is that nothing is ‘ok’, and none of this is “normal”. In my mind, I am thinking that the people around me are disgusting and vile. I do not want them even sharing my air. Imagine having these thoughs in your mind about someone, but smiling in their face, giving them a hug or handshake. Imagine having to sound as genuine as you can while you ask them how they are doing. I have to do this every day. That ‘mask’ gets very tight sometimes and I need to take it off. Sometimes though it comes off on its own and it is times like that, that I “lose it”.

Wearing a mask, or putting on a front, does not make me a bad person. It makes me a survivor. If the population around me truly knew how I felt and what I thought, I would become alienated – thereby becoming a liability. Liabilities are not around for very long. In the outside world, some people have to get up every day and go to work a horrible job that they hate, just to make an income. I get up and put on a mask, because I have to survive.

This weekend, the mask came off and instead of being angry at everyone, I was simply down in spirits.  Nothing much helped. I worked out on both Saturday and Sunday, but nothing took. There was no specific trigger, no reason if you will. I was just sad.

In an hour or so, the ‘mask’ will go back on because I have to go to work. But underneath, I know it will be a melancholy day.

My morning solace is gone. The lights have come on and the day shift officers are here. Oh dear god, some of our officers are so old that they can barely walk. How they pass their physicals, let alone fire a gun, is beyond me. Other guards are simply unhappy in their own lives and one would think that they simply come to work to make certain others are miserable as well. They will bark out orders and nitpick everything. Starting your day with these individuals is never easy.

At this moment, I am glad I have to go to work.