Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Frozen in Time; "as I walked back across the yard, my eyes began to tear up."

Monday, October 15, 2012

Yesterday I was speaking to Joe on the phone and he said something that really hit home. He said that my mom and I are frozen in time, stuck in life. He noted that she still sees me as that 21 year old that I once was, and that I still see her as that really vivacious 51 year old that lived life in the moment. I admit that as I walked back across the yard, my eyes began to tear up. I realized that he was completely right.
I am not 21 years old anymore. In fact, I will never be 20 something again. Those years flew by and I do not even remember turning 30. I just was at some point. And mom is not 51 anymore. This realization terrifies me in ways that cannot even begin to explain. She is now older and subconsciously, I am having problems with that. I expect a lot from her and I don’t know if that has been fair. At the same time, I cannot think about her as an older woman in a sense, because I have issues with mortality, with death.

She and I have missed out on a lot because of what I have done. I will never be able to do anything about that, but I will always be sorry for it though.
Damn that Joe…

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