Saturday, October 20, 2012

Decisions; "I long for the day when I can make actual decisions again."

Thursday, October 4, 2012

My heart is at rest knowing, as I write this, that my mom is asleep at Joe’s house in Boston. She arrived there last night and though I have not called yet to check in, I will this morning. I am happy that she is away from Arizona. In truth, she is a city girl who loves culture, commotion and a fast paced lifestyle. Arizona, as it turns out, was also not for her and there is a heaviness in my heart knowing that she remains there solely because I am incarcerated in this state.
It has taken well over a year now to convince her to move to New England ahead of me, but finally I thinks she has come to terms with it. The reasoning behind this is simple. I know that she will want to be near me wherever I choose to make a life for myself as she wants to of course, help in any way that she can. It would be worse for the both of us to relocate and essentially start over together upon my release. That in mind, I feel the intelligent choice is for her to move and set up a life there ahead of me. She will already be established there and with that, it would help me to reintegrate more easily.

Knowing that Joe is there, well that, is icing on the cake.
Throughout my journey, I have realized that there is one big problem that I have when it comes to family and friends outside these walls. I am in prison. I can make very few choices and have limited control over most aspects of my life. I accept that, because I have to. There are things here that I cannot escape, that I have to deal with. Over the years, I have realized that I become increasingly agitated when my family and friends do not take advantage of their freedom.

They have the ability to make change in their own lives. Should they choose, they can decide who to associate with, where they want to go, how to live, and most importantly, make changes toward their own personal happiness. People in prison, myself included, cannot do those things. I would say that I have learned how to be “okay” even content at times, but never happy. I long for the day when I can make actual decisions again. I will definitely not take that ability, for granted.

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