My heart is at rest knowing, as I write this, that my mom is
asleep at Joe’s house in Boston. She arrived there last night and though I have
not called yet to check in, I will this morning. I am happy that she is away
from Arizona. In truth, she is a city girl who loves culture, commotion and a
fast paced lifestyle. Arizona, as it turns out, was also not for her and there
is a heaviness in my heart knowing that she remains there solely because I am
incarcerated in this state.
It has taken well over a year now to convince her to move to New
England ahead of me, but finally I thinks she has come to terms with it. The
reasoning behind this is simple. I know that she will want to be near me
wherever I choose to make a life for myself as she wants to of course, help in
any way that she can. It would be worse for the both of us to relocate and
essentially start over together upon my release. That in mind, I feel the
intelligent choice is for her to move and set up a life there ahead of me. She
will already be established there and with that, it would help me to
reintegrate more easily.
Knowing that Joe is there, well that, is icing on the cake.
Throughout my journey, I have realized that there is one big
problem that I have when it comes to family and friends outside these walls. I
am in prison. I can make very few choices and have limited control over most
aspects of my life. I accept that, because I have to. There are things here
that I cannot escape, that I have to deal with. Over the years, I have realized
that I become increasingly agitated when my family and friends do not take
advantage of their freedom.
They have the ability to make change in their own lives. Should
they choose, they can decide who to associate with, where they want to go, how
to live, and most importantly, make changes toward their own personal
happiness. People in prison, myself included, cannot do those things. I would
say that I have learned how to be “okay” even content at times, but never
happy. I long for the day when I can make actual decisions again. I will
definitely not take that ability, for granted.
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