WWII ensued this past Thursday evening. We had been on lockdown status for days and were finally placed back on ‘normal’ operations; which means that the yard would finally open back up. Since I had not been able to call home in several days, I phoned. Kevin answered and immediately informed me that my mom was having a meltdown because the blog, my blog; went live. Previously, we all had an open conversation about the blog. Everyone approved and lent their support. Once it went live though, my mother became worried and expressed her concern about the consequences. Rightfully so, she fears some form of retaliation from prison administrators. I’ll give her that.
I made an executive decision to hang up with Kevin and call my mom’s cell phone. In time, I was able to reason with her. What I learned through that conversation however, was uncanny. I had not really given thought to the fact that she would have to process my thoughts about her by reading this blog. She would know firsthand how I see her, and how I feel. She would also understand the things we go through here…. all of it. In that respect, I now see now how powerful words can be and I have developed an even stronger sense of responsibility here.
Thus far, I have no regrets. I speak the truth, from my point of view. I love my mom on a level that is unexplainable though so I must take care when dealing with particular aspects of our outside life.The war continued on though. Kevin visited me yesterday and it was a challenging visit. I admit that at some points during the visit, I actually wanted to get up and walk out. Again, it was all in reference to this blog. Kevin expressed concern over retaliation to both my friends and I. (He is always working theories and making things much more complicated than they really are. It is who he is…) I explained that I have the permission of my friends here who I do mention, and all are aware of what is going on. Nonetheless, voices were raised and swears exchanged. It was not pretty.
By the end of the day, I realized that all of this, was my doing. I am a soon to be 32 year old “grown ass man” and there are people in my life that I have allowed to have too much involvement. It’s time, as they say, to pull in the reigns. As I awoke this morning, I was in a much clearer, better headspace.The war is over. It is for me at least.