When friends need you and you can't be there; "It bothers me to no end that I cannot."

Thursday, January 22, 2013

Joe has really been going through a hard time lately. Last time I spoke to him, there was an evident sadness to his voice because he lost his cat, Lenny to old age. Last year, he lost his other cat, George (Lenny’s brother). Those who are pet owners know that animals that you have had for years, really do become part of the family.

But the past couple of years have not been particularly easy for Joe. A lifelong friend of his passed away after a rather quick, but painful bout with cancer. On top of that, Joe has been wrestling with a couple of health issues and now, his pets are both gone. I feel like I am the one that is supposes to be there to help and support him with whatever he needs, and it bothers me to no end that I cannot. Joe is very strong, and stubborn so I know he will be fine. But that doesn’t help the fact that I wish I could do something for him besides listen and write.

To those of us in prison who have solid relationships with friends and family, a level of resentment develops. I'd go as far as to say that it may even border on jealousy. I was blissfully unaware of this phenomenon until certain things were thrown in my face with regard to my relationship with my mom and Kevin. Ironically, it was through Joe that I began to realize it. I think it is safe to say that he never thought it would happen with him, only it has, indirectly.

With my mother, it had been just her and I for so long that I had become the ‘man in her life’. Even as a teen, I would take care of the bills, the house, the car maintenance etc. I did my best to stay on top of things and I was a perfectionist at it. I knew who my mom was as a woman, and what was acceptable.

When Kevin came into the picture, I was happy for her. Over the years however, I have taken note of the fact that I still feel I know what’s best for her. With that in mind, I have had difficulty accepting her choice to accept Kevin’s decisions and advice over my own. It’s been a process but I am able to see the dynamic clearly now. Still, there are some heavy moments of resentment and it really stems back to the plain fact that I cannot be there to help take care of things. It’s completely ridiculous I know, but I will catch myself saying things like; “If I was there…” or “You shouldn’t do that, you should do this…” It is hard to relinquish power or even influence.

With Joe, I have realized that I have developed a resentment toward a friend of his and my mother’s; Aiden. When something is going wrong in Joe’s life, Aiden is there to help. Initially, I was happy that he was there. Over time however, I have grown to feel that it is I who is supposed to be the one there for him to help. Look, I know this is all so childish…. But sometimes we all act in childish ways. At least I can admit it and acknowledge it for what it is. It’s just one more thing to work on…

In the end of this odyssey, when I am released, I will not be able to swoop in and fix everyone’s problems. I will need to work on me and getting my life together. Whether I am alone or in a relationship, I will have to redirect all that energy into other places. Both mom and Joe have made it this far and have done just fine. It’s time for me to live my life. I really don’t want to be the “fixer”.

It’s time to find my own purpose.

New and intriguing connections...

Thursday, January 22, 2013

This past weekend, I received a manila envelope with a letter and photos enclosed from a man named Dre. It has been a long time since I have received any correspondence to which I have really felt an instinctual urge to respond back to. So I did. We shall see where this goes.

Along with that, I also heard back from one of my cousins, Candice, who lives in Atlanta. She is on my biological father's side of the family and we pretty much grew up together. Over the years, she has fallen off in her writing but I know that she has other things going on. It was so great to hear from her though. I have always felt very close to that side of my family and it really is wonderful to hear from them.

Last, but not least, I heard from my ex Marc (no relation to the Marc I needed to call this past weekend…). He was hired by a magazine in New York and will be moving to Manhattan from San Francisco where he currently lives.  I am really very happy for him. I must’ve read his letter ten times or so. It’s really good to hear that he is doing so well and thriving in this economy. My response was short and sweet, but warm.

That chapter of my life is certainly over but I will always wish him the best.

 

Patiently waiting for a change of pace; "People here, just do not want to play nice with others."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It’s hard to believe that we have only been under Normal Operations for 8 days out of the 22 of this new year. I’m not sure what I should conclude from this other ther than the fact that people here, just do not want to play nice with others.

There has been one serious assault after another and I know that the administrators are trying their best to get a hold of it. The problem is that for them, the only option is mass punishment; hence the lockdowns and revocation of visitation privileges over this past weekend.

As a whole, I was not nearly as upset as the rest of the population, but then again, I have been on some of the most violent yards in this state. I’m well aware of what the administrators will do when their hands are tied. Though I am not a fan of mass punishment, even I have to agree that this, is really their only option.

I was not expecting a visit this weekend so my family and friends were not affected by this. I did however look forward to my weekend phone calls to Joe and I really needed to call Marc and speak to him as well. Instead, I wrote letters, watched the Food Network, ate too much, worked out too much (I am entirely too sore) and got caught up on sleep.

Being that yesterday was a holiday, we were locked down anyway. At the moment it is 5:30 AM. The yard should have already opened up if they were planning on taking us off of Lockdown. Since they have not, I will have to come up with some things to occupy my time today.

 

A brand new kind of me; "I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown."

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The past 48 hours have been filled with some serious soul searching and “me time”. To say that I have been antisocial -would be a gross understatement.

Yesterday morning, someone that I consider a friend, was seriously assaulted outside and left there lying alone and bleeding from the head. I was inside at the time and was completely unaware of what was taking place. As usual, when staff finally realized what had taken place, we were immediately placed back on Lock Down status.

As the facts of the event came in, I remained quiet but my anger and disgust within began to rise and rise. Hearing guys laughing and telling jokes about it was a tipping point for me. I grabbed my towel and headed to the shower where I proceeded to have an emotional breakdown. This shit, is NOT okay.

Over the years, I have certainly become desensitized to many acts of violence and wrong doings. But it is always different when it is someone you truly know. There is no place deep enough within my mind to bury that and ignore it. This event in particular brought a wave of memories of so many things I have seen and with that, a lingering question that simmers within me; “how is it that I have gotten to a point where these act have been okay, accepted, and then ignored?”

Am I mentally weak? Selectively blind? Have I become an advocate for violence? Am I non-feeling?

Have I become one of “them”?

I have rational explanations for all of these questions to self, and each of them lead to survival – both mentally and physically. But it’s not enough. I need to find myself back to me… I’m not lost, but I have been ignoring too many things simply so that I can be “okay” and continue to move forward. This behavior is not acceptable to me and only I can change it.

The Scottsdale forum on me; "People did not have the courage to say who they were."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

So I received a very intriguing printout from Joe. Apparently there is a forum online where people who know me (or have known me) can comment there. I read each one of the 14 entries carefully and was surprised that none of them were particularly recent. I also noted that people did not have the courage to say who they were or explain why they chose to leave certain comments. It was all very interesting to me I suppose.

One comment stated; “Be careful…” Hmmmm   I guess that by process of elimination, I could likely figure out who this is, but is it really that important to me?

No.

Another comment declared; “I went to high school with him”…. I would definitely like to know who that was.

Anyway, it just came as a surprise to me. I wish that people would, in essence, ‘man up’ and say who they are. I have absolutely nothing to hide and have never laid claim that I am perfect.

It is… what it is.

http://www.topix.com/forum/city/scottsdale-az/TLS4K5FTU974P4DK1

High standards

Monday, January 14, 2013

“ David has incredibly high (Ok, let’s be real; ridiculous…) standards when it comes to the people he respects”

This was a sentence used to jokingly describe me from one friend of mine to another. When I heard it, I was slightly irritated at first. Then John began to list out all the things about me that warrant this sentence. I sat back quietly and realized that the statement was true. The kicker is that I had very high standards and expectations outside of these walls.  When you consider what they are in here…. well it’s no wonder people might think those standards are ridiculous. Anyway, I am not irritated anymore because I “get it" and will embrace the fact that it is just who I am.

I think it's time for a change; "I realized that I am so over "it". "

Monday, January 14, 2013

So, I went into work today and found myself simply going through the motions. Since I practically took the entire previous week off, I had a lot to catch up on but instead, I found myself sitting there in disgust. It was like a light switch was flipped; I realized that I am so over "it". I am so tired of hearing people complain about the most juvenile shit. These grown-ass men here absolutely refuse to take any form of responsibility for anything!

As I was processing this thought, my mind segued to the people themselves.

As I scanned the room, I took in the sight of all these transient looking men; no teeth, scraggly hair, old faded tattoos, bodies of ill proportion… I wondered how this happened and why? I have to admit we have some horribly unattractive men here, many with unbelievably poor hygiene habits. Most of the somewhat “normal” guys have taken to assigning names or terms for their habits:

·       The “Fireman”; An inmate who sleeps fully dressed, gets out of bed and immediately runs to the chow hall for every meal without washing his face or brushing his teeth.

·       The “Caveman”; An inmate who doesn’t shower at all – for any reason. It’s if they have an allergy to water.

·       The “No follow through guy”; An inmate who will work out, play basketball and then afterward, take a shower only to put the same funky underwear back on.

·       The “Water Shitter”; An inmate who lifts the toilet seat and then sits inside the toilet, way down to take his bowle movement.

·       “Saskwatch Feet”; An inmate who showers barefoot without shower shoes

·       The “Tooth Obsessed”; An inmate who, due to crystal meth, has now only one tooth in his entire mouth and proceed to brush and care for it like it is a fricken diamond.

·       The “No Wiper”; An inmate how has a bowel movement and never wipes. He simply gets up and goes about his business.

·       The “Naked Shitter”; An inmate that must be completely nakes to have a bowel movement.

Now, hopefully you can understand why I have become a bit jaded when it comes to certain individuals that I live around!

Sundays with mom and Kevin

Monday, January 14, 2013

I begrudgingly went to visitation this past Sunday. It was not because I didn’t want to see my mom, but rather, because I was feeling poorly. It was one of those situations where you have to continuously lie to yourself about feeling better and, by the end of the day, you are almost lifeless. Overall, the day went well and I was glad to see mom. I will not see her for a couple of weeks because of her work schedule. Kevin and I were unusually impatient with each other. I think it was a combination of the fact that I did not feel well and that he was tired. We also chose to talk about cars and both of us believe that we know everything there is to know on that subject. Needless to say, it is not a good topic for us to discuss. It usually ends up in a heated debate.

Being sick in prison is probably one of the worst things you can ever experience.

Monday, January 14, 2013

It should be apparent that I have taken some days off from blogging. Last Tuesday afternoon I was feeling weak and not my best as I laid down to sleep. When I awoke Wednesday morning, I could not move. It was as if I had been hit by a Mack truck. I could not breathe through my sinuses and my head was pounding and spinning at the same time.

John called in sick to work for me and went and bought me the essentials; cough drops, vapor rub, cough syrup, ibuprophen, and Alka Seltzer cold & flu. I remember taking a dose of everything and then putting on layers of clothing, including my beanie and jacket before getting back under the covers. I passed out and woke again around 10:00 PM in wet clothes. I stripped and showered while John simultaneously did a load of laundry. I ate chicken ramen noodles which I immediately threw up. I dressed and then got back into bed.

The truly unfortunate part of being sick in prison is that the greater majority of inmates do not have money to pay anything in here let alone cold/flu remedies, which are outrageously priced at the prison store. The number of people who have asked for my financial help to get some medicine is insane. Though it is difficult, I have to say ‘no’ to everyone. There is just no way that I could do that without the word spreading; “David bought me cough syrup…:  Before long, everyone would think that I would also get them their medicine.

TV shows that count in prison; "It's pretty comical."

Monday, January 7, 2013

The television season has returned from holiday hiatus so everyone is thrilled. On any given night throughout the week, you can walk down the runs and 99% of everyone’s TVs are on the same channel. Last night was Revenge. I do not know a single person here who does not love that show and most can match all the character names with their associated real actor/actress names. I’m a guilty party as well. It is in my top 5 shows that are ‘must watch’.

Here is a breakdown of the week in primetime television that everyone watches religiously. Some may surprise you…

·       Monday              The Bachelor (or Bachelorette) and Major Crimes

·       Tuesday              The New Girl, The New Normal, and Private Practice

·       Wednesday       Modern Family, Suburgatory and Nashville

·       Thursday            Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal

·       Friday                  Fringe, Grimm and Dateline NBC

·       Saturday             Cops, Jail and a movie

·       Sunday               Happy Endings, Revenge and The Good Wife

Consider that this audience is represented by convicts who are covered in tattoos, and they are glued to their TV sets for these shows. It's pretty comical.

So now you know what people are watching in prison in the evenings.

The biggest dick club; "We’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Okay, so this is completely off the wall, but sometimes we have way too much time on our hands. Take into consideration also, that we live in a very big locker room of sorts.

John, I and another friend of ours, are all pretty well endowed. I am not bragging, but put it this way; we are never made fun of in the shower or locker room. Anyway, when we all shower together, we’ve taken to playing a game that involves naked jumping jacks. The 1^st one to consecutively hit their belly button with their penis 10 times – has to cook dinner. I know, I know, this sounds so completely elementary school. More hysterical though, is that other guys have been desperately trying to join our “club”. They slip, they slide and make complete fools of themselves when they know that it will just never happen for them.

This is what grown men do when they are bored, naked and in the shower.

Surpise visit recap; "Truthfully, it was like meeting a very good friend."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Meeting with Marc on Saturday was a very good change of pace.

The visit overall went very well. Marc however, was very eager to discuss our relationship and all the complexities that might come along with it. I must admit, that eagerness was too much, too fast for me to understand. I was completely caught off guard. On top of that, I was conflicted myself when it came to a level of attraction. We are both good looking guys, but I was not certain if there was that energy, that spark between us. Truthfully, it was like meeting a very good friend. I must acknowledge and accept that reality. He is a great guy, and I certainly would like to continue corresponding with him.

It was a genuine pleasure to have met him finally face to face.

Lockdown status; "I have no control over anybody but myself."

Monday, January 7, 2013

We remain on lockdown status due to the severe assault on New Years Day. What the administration will decide to do is beyond me. Since I have no control over anybody but myself, all I can do is keep moving forward and stay as positive as I can.

No doubt I am in higher spirits than I was during the previous week. I really think it was just a holiday funk that I was in. No matter, I’m glad that it is over with. It takes so much energy to feel that way. I must keep moving and continue to keep my mind occupied. Lockdown or not, I will have a good week.

The 'what ifs?' of life; "Everyday that I wake, I have regrets."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I find myself regularly thinking about all the ‘what ifs?’. I think a lot of people in the world do this both in, and out of prison. Some may think that it is a waste of time; that all things happen for a reason. But does that hold true when it is our own decisions that change the course within our lives?

My most reoccurring ‘what ifs?’ are as follows:

·       What if … my father Joe had not died?

·       What if … we had never moved to Arizona?

·       What if … I hadn't gone out on the night of the accident?

·       What if … I never met my OG’s face and crime in prison?

·       What if … I chose to pretend that I was straight?

·       What if … I had handled things differently with my ex partner Marc?

These are all irrelevant at this point because what is done, is done. I have no choice but to move forward. Still, I find myself thinking about these things at random times. I don’t know if there will ever be a time that I will not wish that I could go back and change things. People say they have no regrets but I am not one of those people.
Everyday that I wake, I have regrets. I guess that’s just me though.

A lovely morning

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The yard remains locked down today. I woke up this morning with a sense of loneliness and so, I am trying to keep my time occupied as best as I can. Good Morning America is on as it is every morning. I am huge Sam Champion supporter and am so happy that he has found love and gotten married to his long time partner. The fact that they are supporting it and speaking of it in the news speaks volumes to how far we have come in this country!

I wish him and his partner the very best!

Another day begins in wonder; "Regardless of what they decide, I am awake and ready."

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

There are many possibilities for what could happen today. We stayed on lockdown for the remainder of last night after the assault happened. That in mind, we may remain locked down today as well. We also could get raided and searched – or we could simply go back to normal operations. Regardless of what they decide, I am awake and ready. The yard should open at 5:30 AM so in about 5 minutes, we will know our fate for the day. If I go to work, then my boss will be here to pick John and I up at 6:00 AM.

All of this is really not that important because if I have the day off, and we remain locked down, I am fine with it. I’m just waiting for mail and property to get back on track. The holidays have screwed so much up. As you can imagine, there is a delay with the regular postal operation, and then once things get here, they have to go through the prison post office as well. I have some CDs on the way and cannot wait! I’m really burnt out on the majority of my music so I need to replenish my collection. I’m also waiting on some new books as well.

John is now laying on my bed complaining to me in a whisper that it’s 5:35 AM and the yard has not opened yet. He wants to go out for a run and get in a quick workout, but it’s not looking that promising. My ‘Bromer’ gets frustrated easily so it’s best to let him vent. Somehow today will turn out okay. First, I need another cup of coffee though.

Have you ever called a friend with a specific purpose and then realized after the call ended, that you never brought it up?

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I went outside as soon as the doors opened this morning so I could call Joe. I needed to talk to him to check in. I also wanted to give him the rundown on Marc and hear his thoughts on the matter. Everyone else’s opinion is great, but I happen to take Joe’s more seriously because he simply knows me and is one of the very few people who can call ‘bullshit’ on me without me becoming defensive.

Anyway, somehow I got caught up in hearing the detailed events of his New Years Eve, and completely forgot to ask for his thoughts on Marc’s planned visit. I will have to call him back tomorrow.

Damn.

New Years Day; "I hate surprises!"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

As I am opening my mail from yesterday, I am reading a letter from my friend Marc. Something caught my eye about Saturday January 5^th and quarters. I quickly went back and started the sentence all over again. I realized that he was telling me that he had made reservations and will be flying out tovisit me on Saturday. I immediately began to panic because I was not prepared and do not like surprises. This was about an hour ago now so I have calmed down since. But things are still circling around in my head.

Marc is a great guy who is attending a prestigious military academy. Our communication is great and I look forward to meeting him face to face. It will be our first meeting though and those are always awkward. At this point, all I can do is sit back and see how it goes. For whatever reason, I have a feeling that everything will be okay, but still, it will be awkward.

Another year has come to an end; "Tomorrow, I will be able to officially say that I only have 5 years left"

Monday, December 31, 2012

I woke up this morning with a great sense of peace over me. Come tomorrow, I will be able to officially say that I only have 5 years left to go on my sentence. To many of you, the thought of spending 5 years in prison would be unbelievable, but for myself and many others, it is not much. Mentally, I have been waiting to hit that marker for a long time. In prison, anyone doing 5 years or less is considered ‘short time’. For me, the only downside is that It is a true reminder that I have been in this place now for 11 years. I validate it by telling myself that I have survived it though and that I will continue on as best as I can.

I can’t believe it’s 2013.

We are supposed to work today but I am not going in until this afternoon. I have a lot of cooking to do for the fellas for the New Year. John will hold things down at the office and if an issue arises, then they will call for me. Hopefully they don’t because I’m really looking forward to taking it easy, spending the day in my sweats, cooking and listening to music. It is so cathartic for me. I am officially off tomorrow, Thursday and Friday. I only have to go in Wednesday to get payroll done for the inmate workers on the yard. Essentially I just make sure that everyone signs their pay and verifies the hours worked. I can get that done in about 4 hours, so that is not too bad.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like 2013 will actually be an okay year for me.

End of the year maintenance; "I definitely need to do some man-scaping."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Since there is no work today, I will try to get caught up on some mail and then workout as normal. I definitely need to do some man-scaping as well.

I spoke with mom on the phone this morning and she sounded great. I will see her on Sunday and Monday for a special New Year’s Eve visit. She is just happy that she is off for a few days. I can completely understand because she is averaging 90-100 hours a pay period!

Oh what a night!; "I felt rough, callused hands moving alongside of my lower torso."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I slept amazingly well last night until around 2:00 AM. I was sleeping in my normal #4 position; on my stomach with one leg out and the other bent with my foot connecting to my knee. My pillow has made its way alongside me and so I was lying quite flat on my bed.

I am not sure how I realized it, but at some point, I felt a weight on top of me. I do not remember being shocked or surprised by it. Instead, I simply shifted my body ever so slightly so that I was more comfortable.  Shortly thereafter, I felt rough, callused hands moving alongside of my lower torso, fingers playing along the inside of boxer waistband. I felt my boxers being pulled up instead of down. A pair of thick thumbs began playing inside of my ass, tracing over my hole spreading my cheeks ever so gently. I remember telling whoever it was, that I am not a bottom as I exhaled and moaned quietly.

Before I could catch my breath, I felt an immediate pressure. The man was pushing a huge, blood filled penis into me and I was paralyzed by it. I felt every inch enter me and it felt horrible, but amazing all at the same time. It seemed to go on forever before his balls nestled against my own. Never before had I imagined that I would feel this way having someone inside of me. Instinctively, I reached around and took a handful of a beautifully round ass. Intrigued, I tried to look behind me to see who this man was. As my head tilted to the side, he pulled out in a long, fluid motion and the shock of that withdrawl, brought me back to consciousness.

As I looked around, all was dark and I was still covered up by my blanket.  I had been dreaming and everything was as it was when I went to sleep except for that large wet spot on my sheets. Fuck!

As I got up to wash my dreams away, I tried to remember the last time I had experienced a wet dream. It has been many, many years so I figured it was alright. Strangely enough, I wish I would’ve been able to see who I had been dreaming about. Hmmmmm

Subtle life changes are sometimes great motivators

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

A memo is going up today informing the inmate population that the yard will now be open from 5:00 AM to 4:00 PM only. In essence they will no longer be having the yard open at night. As soon as word gets out, there is going to be a huge uproar from all the inmates that work. We who actually have regular working hours will never have recreation or yard time. Most of us are at work around 6:00 AM and not usually back to the yard until 3:30 0r 4:00 PM.

For me, I will have to completely change my schedule. It sucks because there is a lot I can get done outside in the evenings. I am used to having wrenches thrown into my plans, but most inmates rely on consistency. That in mind, I know there will be a lot of headaches to come soon.

A part of me wonders if this is a sign? I have been mulling over writing a book for some time now and maybe this is the time. There are a few obstacles within this plan though. Ideally, I would prefer to give up my job and dedicate myself to writing the book. But I am also on the fence when it comes to subject matter of the book.

Some ideas that have been presented to me are as follows:

1.       How to prison guide

2.       A gay man’s prison manual

3.       Essays on the pen pals that I have met throughout

4.       Basic memoir

For whatever reason, #3 is getting the most support from the friends and family that I have run these ideas by. If anyone would like to add their 2 cents, then please feel free. I would genuinely love to hear people’s thoughts on the matter.

Time stops for no one; "Looking ahead is really all I can do now.."

Monday, December 24, 2012

Things have been okay for the past couple of days. It very well could be the calm before the storm, but perhaps not. I am hoping that not too many attempt making ‘hooch’ (prison alcohol) for New Year’s Eve. That whole thing typically turns out badly. All I can do is wait and see. As you can imagine, an environment filled with drunken, testosterone storming inmates, especially those who have brains the size of a fruit fly… is not a good thing. Most of us end up running for cover.

It’s hard for me to believe that 2013 is almost here. It’s bittersweet to know that I have chipped away so many years of this sentence. Looking back is not easy because it’s insane when I consider all that I have been through. Looking ahead is really all I can do now. I have basically five years left on my sentence but I can still vividly remember day 1 of it. I doubt I will ever forget it. I know that I should feel lucky for having made it this far, but I do not. I truly feel that it has nothing to do with luck. It has everything to do with how successful one can be at adapting and playing the ‘game’.

Then I will look over the wall and see John. I try to imagine being in his shoes. How would I feel having a release date of 2038?

I wonder how I would handle that?

Connecting the dots; "I get random comments about the blog from random people."

Monday, December 24, 2012

I am not entirely sure why I have been procrastinating on this… Many people, including the department of corrections, have already connected the pieces of this blog puzzle. I know this because I get random comments about the blog from random people. Initially, I was trying to be somewhat anonymous because people I love, feared that there would be some serious retaliation from the prison toward me for blogging. As I have said before however, it is not my mission to slander the Department of Corrections. They have a job to do. End of story.

I have received mail from readers who have connected me to my profile on writeaprisoner.com. I realized that they can discover, clear as day, all of my information there. Really, there is no use in hiding it, so to any readers who would like to correspond with me directly, my information is as follows:

David R Mckinney
#169947
ASPC Lewis/Stiner 2B19
PO Box 3100
Buckeye, Arizona 85326

For anyone who does decide to write, please know that all I am allowed to receive in the mail are letters and photos. Okay? I welcome any and all correspondence!

A thought provoking visit with mom; "It was a reality check for both of us."

Monday, December 24, 2012, Christmas Eve morning

My visit with mom yesterday was good. We actually talked about the blog a lot and she began to ask if I would consider writing a book. I informed her that if I quit my job, then I could dedicate myself to that, but that I had no idea who would want to read a book about this stuff. But then again, I do realize that there is a genuine interest of what really goes on in here, so maybe I should think more seriously about it. (If any of you have any thoughts or comments on this prospect, please feel free to share them…)

As usual, mom asked me if I still loved Marc, my ex. I told her that I do not love him anymore but that I will always care for him. He was, and is, the only man that I have ever truly been ‘in love’ with, so he will always play a role within my thoughts.  There is no escaping that simple fact. If I could take back things from that time; things I did, things I didn’t do, then I would. Mom however, has always loved Marc and until I meet someone else in the future, she will continue to always revert back to him. I have grown to accept it for what it is.

As I was sitting across from her though, I came to a very real and visceral awareness. I suddenly became very aware that my mom is no longer that alive, energetic and vivacious 51 year old woman that I left behind when I came to prison. It is quite possible that because I see her so often, I simply have not noticed or taken the time to really see her. Yesterday however, I truly saw her. I’ll candidly admit, it scared me a little. The years have changed us both and as much as we both would like to stop time, we cannot.  In any case, it was a reality check for both of us. That realization was a tough pill to swallow. When I came back to my dorm, I headed to the bathroom to once again look in the mirror. The reflection was that of a 32 year old man. I gave him a nod and went back to my cubicle.

That's what friends are for; "I held his hand because in truth, he is a big BABY."

Friday, December 21, 2012

So, I am at work and have to take some papers over to the administration building. John decides that he going to come with me. As we walk out to the back of the building though, he tries to pull the gate rather than push it and it railed him in the head. Now as hilarious as it was to watch, it also looked pretty brutal. He attempted to tough it out and walk it off, but soon I saw the trail of blood. I told him to tilt his head up and quicken his pace. We were only 30 feet from our destination.

As we entered administration, we encountered the investigative sergeant, a couple of investigative officers and the disciplinary sergeant. They all looked at me, and then at John and then back at me. Thankfully they all know me well and instead of immediately locking down the yard and handcuffing us (standard protocol), they laughed and asked John what he did to piss me off.

The movement officer called medical and advised them that we would be walking over so John could be seen.

John got 3 stitches and a tetanus shot. I held his hand because in truth, he is a big BABY. I was actually pretty funny. As we left medical and walked back to the office, I told John that he had better prepare for a lot of jokes. I love it when I’m right. All day long he has been getting razzed by everyone.

Besides the incident with John, it’s been an okay day. When we came back to the dorm, I worked out and took a shower. I cleaned and changed John’s bandage and made us some chicken and rice for dinner. I was spent and needed to sleep.